Community, or Something Like It

Last weekend, some friends and I held a couple informal gainer bar nights in NYC. They were ostensibly for my birthday/someone else’s birthday/a homecoming from Argentina/the arrival of spring, but mostly they were just an excuse to get a good group of guys from the community together to hang.

I had invited a friend from the frat who was apprehensive about showing up. He’s pretty new to all this and on top of that, he had kinda-sorta ignored a few guys who might be there. Plus there was one guy he had put off meeting for so long he was now embarrassed by it.

But for some reason, he mustered up the courage to make an appearance.

It was a friendly gathering of about 30 guys from out of town and nearby, and he ended up having a good time—which, I later found out, took him by surprise.

I take it for granted that community get-togethers with fellow gainers/encouragers are fun, so afterward, I asked him why he was shocked that he had enjoyed himself.

“I was surprised by how nice it was to be around like-minded people,” he said. “There was a small part of my brain that I don’t normally notice that just, sort of, relaxed.”

Someone once asked me what I meant every time I referred to a “gainer community.” I had never really been forced to define it, so I struggled with an answer at the time. But I think my friend hit the nail on the head.

There’s just something about being around guys who get all this—and realizing that you’re part of something that is greater than the sum of its parts—that makes all this crazy shit just feel… right.

COMMUNITY SHMOMMUNITY

I’ve thrown around the world “community” a lot on this blog without giving much thought to what that means to people. The truth is, the very idea of a gainer/encourager community can be pretty elusive.

After all, what kind of community exists almost entirely on the internet, with only periodic meetings of, say, 1 percent of its members?

Ours is a community that defies geography, culture and language—aside from picking up survival phrases like “Ich liebe fette bauche,” my German remains pretty poor.

So what kind of model is this disjointed, incohesive, dispersed mix of men for a real community?

Well fortunately, we’ve already got a model for such a thing: the gay community.

Despite our vast differences, gainers/encouragers are all still connected some level—connected by desire; by our collective coming-of-age experience; by our “outsider” status. It’s an connection not unlike that in the gay community. It’s hard to quantify, but any of you who’ve been to Expansion or come out to a gainer bar night or luncheon somewhere have probably experienced it.

This isn’t to say that you must be surrounded by lots of gainers/encouragers to feel part of the community, but there’s something about being in a group of like-minded guys that just puts you at ease. To be able to say whatever’s on your mind and know not only that you won’t be judged, but that you’ll find affirmation and support from your peers.

It’s a pretty spectacular feeling.

But there’s also another side to the coin.

While I was thrilled that my newbie friend decided to make an appearance at the bar night, I also knew plenty of others who couldn’t muster the courage to come. A few suddenly got very Catholic. Some had last-minute emergencies. Some just didn’t show.

The truth is that like anything in life, the idea of the gainer community is a little bit yin, a little bit yang. At the same time that it is empowering, exciting and mentally relaxing, it can also be intimidating and downright scary—especially for those who are new. Again, kind of like the gay community.

I still remember my first brush with the real-world gay community. I was probably 15 and my parents let me take the bus into San Francisco to visit the main library there for a school project. I took the MUNI Metro past the station for the library, intentionally missing my stop so that I could ride through the Castro street station (which is underneath the main gayborhood in SF).

I didn’t dare get off the train, or look around too eagerly. That would have been too real for me. So I just rode through, got off at the next stop and turned around and came back for a second look.

It would be two more years before I came out and actually decided to embrace my sexuality, my identity and my community.

All of that is to say that the very idea of a gay community was something I couldn’t fathom being a part of at the time. Getting off the train and being in that kind of gay space was a bigger step than I was willing to take.

Obviously things changed over time, and that same kind of growth and acceptance happens in the gainer community as well.

I think some of the guys who didn’t show last weekend just weren’t ready to get off the train.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE

Fifty years ago it would have been laughable to describe the hodge-podge of gay men who were sprinkled throughout the cities of the world—seeking out camaraderie and pleasure in parks and dimly lit bars—a community.

But something transformational happened as gay men and lesbians began to become self-aware, to understand their desires, and seek out deeper relationships with their kind. Somewhere along the way, being gay went from everyone’s dirty little secret, to something they could embrace. Even be proud of.

Say what you will about the concept of “gay pride,” but the very idea sprouted from a rejection of the shame that came from being closeted, from resenting your desires and fighting to keep them at the back of your mind. The movement helped shape the more accepting communities that we live in today.

When I see the kind of changes that have happened in the gainer/encourager community—the sheer increase in the number of guys with profiles online, the prevalence of gainers and encouragers in relationships with each other, the emergence of groups of friends all over—I can’t help but see some parallels to those early days of the gay community.

Certainly ours is smaller and more focused (both of which, I consider to be good things). And I don’t mean to say that being a gainer/encourager is the same thing as identifying as gay.

But the parallels between the changes in both communities give me hope.

Today, we live in a country where vastly more men are OK with the idea of being out about being gay than even one generation ago. I can only imagine what the next few decades will spell out for the gainer/encourager community.

That excitement was underscored by something my newbie friend (who is the gainer equivalent of being deeply closeted) said after the bar night. He said that he had something of an “a-ha” moment from being immersed in a big group of like-minded guys for the first time.

“It made the whole thing real. It was just like ohhh these guys are people—that just so happen to think something specific is sexy, that I find sexy,” he said. “Before, I saw people into this as sort of hook ups. But now, the idea of a gainer boyfriend sounds more appealing. It makes me want to take all this more seriously.”

And that gives me hope.

Carpe Crustum

A recent article in the New York Times grabbed my attention, about a study on why and how we procrastinate pleasure.

In a nutshell, researchers found that humans are hard-wired to put off until later many things that we find pleasurable, if we’re not given an immediate deadline.

The primary reason is a certain cognitive dissonance—evidently, we seem to commonly believe that there’s no time for these things right now, but later there will be.

The idea of carpe diem—seize the day—turns out to be something we need to be reminded of.

Gift certificate and airline frequent flier miles programs depend on this habit: They know that people are likely to put off cashing in their rewards, and the more time they have, the more likely they are to never redeem them.

It’s a strange kind of discovery. We tend to think of people as reasonably rational, self-interested beings. Sure we might put off something that’s overly dull or painful, but you’d think that if we had something free or fun owed to us, we’d take advantage of it post haste.

But we don’t.


POSTPONING PLEASURE

The article was written during the holidays and so it’s heavily focused on material examples, like gift certificates. But the findings provide a lot of insight for other areas of our lives.

There are certainly any number of good reasons to not gain right now. Maybe you really can’t afford the extra food or larger wardrobe. Maybe you have a career that depends on you staying thin. Maybe you have the fastest freakin’ metabolism ever.

And there’s plenty of reasons not to travel somewhere to meet up, face-to-face with that longtime friend from the community. Maybe money is tight. Maybe your car needs work. Maybe you kinda-sorta stretched the truth and told him you were 100 pounds bigger—and sent morphed photos.

But there is a fine line between prudence and your brain tricking you into good old fashioned procrastination.

As the article says: “We're trying to do a cost-benefit analysis of the time lost versus the pleasure or money to be gained, but we're not accurate in our estimates of ‘resource slack’… When people were asked to anticipate how much extra money and time they would have in the future, they realistically assumed that money would be tight, but they expected free time to magically materialize.”

If this research can teach us anything, it’s that you can always justify having more time or energy or freedom later. But when later comes, your brain is capable of re-setting to a new future goal that will never be, without you even being conscious of it.

So “I’ll wait til my late 20s to gain,” becomes “my 30s will be better,” and ultimately “I should really wait until I start receiving Medicare benefits.”

And “I’ll visit you this June,” evolves into “See ya in August,” and finishes up with “How’s your 2014 lookin?”

For some people, waiting til their 40s to gain is the right call. And some really are just too busy to make that trip now, but will be freer at a later date.

But it’s worth questioning that kind of decision and being aware of whether it’s truly a sensible call or your brain is just engaging you in an endless exercise in procrastination, because it hasn’t been given an immediate deadline to work with.

Your brain is, after all, hardwired to do just that.


AIM BIG, MISS BIG

There is a second major takeaway from the article.

“People can become overly focused on an ideal,” says the creator of the study, Dr. Suzanne Shu. “Even if they know it's unlikely, they get so focused on the perfect scenario that they block everything else. Or they anticipate that they'll kick themselves later if they take second-best option and then see the best one is still available. But they don't realize that regret can go the other way. They'll end up with something worse and regret not taking the second-best one.”

The implications for our ilk is clear: If you hold out for really big, you might miss out on getting even a little bit bigger.

Plenty of guys have a big goal (sometimes upward of 350 or 400), but don’t want to start gaining just yet, because they aren’t ready to realize that goal so soon. According to Dr. Shu (well not literally, cause obviously she doesn’t know about us and our twisted ways, but if she did, I’m sure she’d agree), by putting off a smaller goal—say 200 or 250—those guys risk never getting big at all.

Oftentimes, our brain needs near-term deadlines in order to prioritize something. By setting smaller intermediate goals, you have a better shot at getting at least a little bigger than if you keep waiting for the right moment to go straight for 400 (or whatever your ultimate goal is).

Evidently, a little compromise in the short-term can be a good thing. Holding out for the ideal in the long-term could leave you with nothing.

So what are you waiting for? Carpe crustum: Seize the cake.

The Fed Poets Society

I figured after two weeks of rather heavy subject matter (pardon the pun), it was time for something a bit… lighter (argh, it’s a pun minefield!) And so I give you gainer/encourager haikus.

The way I see it, Haikus are like the original Twitter. It’s a form of expression that forces the writer to quit being so overly-verbose, and cut an idea down to a (preferably beautiful) 17-syllable thought. It’s also a wonderful format for humor.

I’ve posted a few of mine here, but I welcome y’all to post your own in the comments section. Be uplifting, cynical, funny, sad, silly—whatever you please (just keep it civil). Typical haikus use a 5-7-5 syllable breakdown, but plenty of people break that rule, so feel free to be creative.


Age ten, in my room,
Watching sumo and padding,
This is normal, right?

The sexy fat man,
His belly’s divine, but he
Orders Diet Coke.

Dear airline coach seats,
You are too small for my butt.
Please eat more. Love, Jed.

Beefyfrat dot com,
Hot guys you have so many,
Why will you not load?

Bellybuilders thread,
Smart discussion is so cool,
Wait. It fell apart.

Eat more food he says,
And so I eat til it hurts,
Then barf on his shoes.

NBC you suck
For making Biggest Loser,
Thanks for 30 Rock.

Overzealous guy,
Please don’t IM me so much,
My belly’s still fine.

Old Bellybuilders,

Updates were like Christmas morn’,
But with more boners.

This guy's profile says:
“Partnered - We’re MONOGAMOUS!”
So why the dick pics?

The first time I saw,
That scene from the Santa Clause,
I knew God loved me.

Place the camera low,
Arch your back and puff out big,
Fake it til you make it.

And (thanks to a recommendation by a friend) I condensed my second blog post into a single haiku, so here we have a 17-syllable version of “When Is a Gainer Not a Gainer?”:

It’s all in your head,
Gain or lose you are still you,
You kinky bastard.

The Power Dichotomy

I’ve had a few people ask me to write about why we’re into this kink on the blog.

I’ve resisted exploring the “why” partly because I don’t think it’s an important question (and partly because I have no freakin idea). The main reason we—as human beings—want to know the root cause of something is so that we can fix it, but nothing here needs to be fixed.

There is nothing to be gained from knowing why we have this kink—whether it was because the doctor who delivered you was eating a doughnut or just a complete misreading of Willie Wonka as a child doesn’t really matter.

Perhaps its better we have some mystery about why we’re into gaining, encouraging and bellies.

But there is an intriguing theory that closely relates to the “why”: Despite a wide range of tastes and desires within our community, underlying all of our interests in gaining and encouraging is a single concept, lurking in our subconscious.

That concept is power (and hamburgers… OK, so there are two concepts).

The intimate link between power and sexuality is not unique to gainers and encouragers, but it’s interesting for us to think about nonetheless.

What is perhaps most intriguing to me is the idea of a dichotomy of power: How the desire for power and the desire for vulnerability both seem to co-exist, quite peacefully, within our little community. Even more fascinating is how they appear to co-exist, oftentimes, within a single person.

THE POWER/VULNERABILITY THEORY

It may not be conscious, but it seems like all of us are drawn to gaining, encouraging and belly loving because of power.

But there are two sides to that coin.

The first is the expression of raw power: This is masculinity at its most extreme. This is the side that might revel in the large man with the greedy appetite; the guy who takes what he wants; the guy who grows his belly and his status at the same time. Guys who prefer this side of the coin may enjoy the idea of a man who is not only in control of himself, but possibly even the people around him. Perhaps people step out of his way on the street and smaller guys feel intimidated by his size and strength.

On the other side of the coin we have a lack of power—otherwise known as vulnerability. Here we also have growth and size too, but a completely opposing underlying idea. This side might revel in the guy who is force-fed; the guy who is fattened by someone else; the guy who is completely out of control and can’t stop eating. This side of the coin might prefer the idea of a guy becoming immobile or even get off on him becoming less healthy and functional.

(These examples are meant to give context and in no way are intended to be an exhaustive list of the kinds of things people might like that fall into these two buckets).

Power and vulnerability sure sound like two totally opposing ideas, and yet, somehow, they seem to exist, side-by-side, in relative harmony in our community.

I think part of that is because while the underlying motivation is so different, the external process is the same. We can talk about the same kinds of things—eating, growing and loving big bellies—while being motivated by two different ideas. We can look at the same picture and admire it just the same—but imagine two completely different paths and reasons for getting there.

Gaining is, after all, an idea (or perhaps, two ideas).

And yet it’s not just within the community that these two opposing connotations of power exist. While it seems like most in this community would have a preference for one side of the power coin or the other, it also appears that both ideas could co-exist in many of us.

Which can be confusing to say the least.

For me, I feel like the powerful side of the coin is a bigger part of my sexuality, and yet there’s still a part of me that is allured by the vulnerability piece. A number of my friends have indicated similar “bi-curious” tendencies in this department.


FINDING BALANCE

I remember the first time I came across this blog by a guy who was renouncing gaining (http://fantasyaddicts.onlineaddicts.org/). At first I thought it was silly and melodramatic—I mean, an anti-gainer twelve-step program? Isn’t that just Jenny Craig?—but as I read what he wrote, I came to realize that he was truly conflicted.

I’d always thought of gaining as an empowering thing. To me it was an expression of control over our bodies, of asserting our desires and of becoming the kind of men we’d always admired. But I’d never thought of it as something that could be altogether different. I hadn’t consciously thought about the other side of that power coin.

For this guy, it appeared to me, gaining was that vulnerable side of the coin in its most extreme form. For him, to be a gainer was to be completely out of control, to be powerless to his “addiction,” which is, presumably, to grow incredibly fat. There could be no assertive middle ground for him, specifically because his attraction was so strong and so extreme.

It’s truly unfortunate that his extreme desires would cause him enough anguish that he would want to abandon them cold turkey (he appears to have relapsed several times, indicating that he may never truly be able to kick them entirely).

It’s an extreme response, but chances are, if he’s feeling that way, others might have similar thoughts.

It seems like those of us who favor the assertive, powerful side of the coin are in a slightly easier position than those who favor vulnerability. Men are expected to be masculine and powerful in our society. Social norms tell us we should take control of our lives and be stewards of our own fates. And it’s in our human nature to not want to relinquish control completely.

And yet for so many of us, relinquishing that control is exciting. It can be the reason we’re drawn to gaining. It can simultaneously turn us on and terrify us at the same time.

Walking that fine line can be difficult. And for those who find it most vexing (such as our blogger friend), it can be reason enough to try to leave it behind. But it shouldn’t have to be.

For those who find themselves on that line, it’s important to think about the motivations behind your desires. There’s no one right way to be a gainer and so it’s important that you be both true to your desires (which may be, say, to become immobile) and true to yourself (which may mean needing to remain mobile) at the same time.

Obviously this kind of thing requires careful thought and an appropriate dose of compromise. But it should never be cause for total abandonment of this interest that also brings us joy and satisfaction.

Understanding that which motivates us and meditating on our conflicting desires can help us to understand who we are as people and lead to making better decisions about whether to gain, maintain or lose.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Gainer Sex*

(*But Were Afraid to Ask)

Gainers don’t like to talk about sex.

I’m not sure what it is, but when you look on the forums on bellybuilders or dissect the conversations at Expansion or at any gainer bar night or luncheon, sex is a topic rarely touched on.

I can’t quite say why this is.

I mean, we’re all sexual beings—and we are connected by something that is sexual at its core. And yet sexual tastes tend to go undiscussed among gainer/encourager friends.

That gap became even more clear to me a few weeks back, when I was chatting with a longtime gainer friend who confided in me that his sexuality wasn’t quite like mine.

I was intrigued, so I asked him to elaborate.

“I just don’t like typical sex,” he said. “Anal and oral sex don’t do anything for me.”

His comment took me by surprise.

I had come to accept that most guys who share this interest aren’t all that into “normative” sex. It’s certainly never been terribly central to my desires. So for the first time in our friendship, we talked about sex, sexuality and kink.

But that conversation got me thinking—how much do we collectively know about our community’s sexual tastes? How prevalent is normative, anal sex among gainers and encouragers? Is it weird to be a gainer/encourager and not be into f*cking?

BUT… SEX?

My own personal experience has always led me to believe that we gainers and encouragers are wired a little differently than our bear, chub or twink counterparts.

When I chat with guys from bear sites or other non-gainer sites, the conversation quickly navigates to a few key questions: “Are you a top or a bottom?” “How big is your dick?” “Wanna know how big mine is?”

But when I chat with guys from the gainer sites, the questions usually go something more like: “How big is your belly?” “Do you plan on getting bigger?” “How much weight would look hot on me?”

Cross-referencing that with my own personal preferences, I’d always assumed that gainers were just less into normative anal sex than other gay guys.

But I figured it would be worth further exploration.

So again I turned to Bellybuilders to poll the community and find out if my soft observations would be backed up by hard data (I know this is very un-scientific, but it’s the closest we have to actual polling). With more than 200 responses, the community appeared to be split right down the middle.

Forty percent said they either liked, loved or were obsessed with anal sex.

Forty percent said they didn’t care for, disliked or hated it.

Twenty percent were indifferent.

So what does all that mean? Well primarily, it tells us that when it comes to anal sex, gainers and encouragers feel pretty “meh.”

Certainly there are those who love it (about 14 percent said that anal sex turned them on most or all of the time). And only one in 10 were in the same boat as my friend—absolutely hating even the idea of it.

But overall, 60 percent of the respondents felt anal sex was either OK, not so great, or just plain terrible. That means almost 2/3 of all gainers are at best apathetic about, if not outright turned off by, anal sex.

There are certainly plenty of non-gainer gay men who also don’t care for anal sex, but it’s the sheer imbalance of these numbers in our community that make them so profound.

And yet that imbalance makes sense. If all we wanted was typical anal sex with heavier guys, we’d be chubs and chasers. But we want something different.

For some of us that can be as simple and gratifying as a belly rub. For others it may need to involve role play about gaining weight or actually packing on a few (or a lot). Still others may be turned on by bringing food and feeding into the equation, or liquids to bloat.

Many of our fantasies can play out in real life without the need for anal sex. It doesn’t mean we don’t do it (and there’s certainly a solid portion of our community that does enjoy it); it just means that many of us can have gratifying sex lives without engaging in anal sex.

THE ANAL SEX DEFICIT

So why does any of this matter?

It matters because as gay men, we’re told by society (and other gay men) that we should like anal sex. It’s certainly true that anal sex can be a deeply intimate and satisfying experience, but we live in a world where many have come to consider it the only “real” sex we can have.

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably come to the realization on some level that society telling us what to like and not like is utter crap.

And yet having desires that stray so far from the mainstream can feel lonely at times. It’s one thing to like heavier dudes or think a belly is sexy. It’s something completely different to feel apathy or distaste for what is considered by many to be the holy grail of male same-sex relations.

It’s certainly something that can throw a major wrench into dating civilians, who are more likely to want regular anal sex to feel physically satisfied. If your partner wants to f*ck more often and you don’t, that can be a problem.

Of my gainer friends who’ve encountered this anal sex deficit in their civilian relationships, most have opted to become open in order to help their partners find the kind of sex they want. Several have ended their relationships in part because they felt they couldn’t satisfy their partner’s needs. Some have managed to find a happy compromise for both parties.

If you’re going to date a civilian (or even another gainer/encourager for that matter), it’s important to discuss your sexual tastes with them. Just saying that you like bellies or enjoy the idea of guys getting fatter isn’t enough.

We need to communicate what we actually like—and don’t like—between the sheets.

Be honest and forthright at the outset: There’s a good chance they’ll feel the same as you, and if they don’t, you’ll need to communicate that and find solutions.

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that what makes us different doesn’t need to make us feel lonely.

For those who feel indifference or even distaste for anal sex, the message is clear: You’re not alone, not by a long shot. And for those who like it or love it: Ditto for you.

The important thing is to have fun and be safe.

As Woody Allen says: “Sex between two people is a beautiful thing… Between five is fantastic!”

Risky Business

A lot of people have a problem with the idea of gaining—or even simply glorifying the big and the beautiful.

Being fat, they say, is unhealthy and increases your risk for serious illness—diabetes and heart disease usually top the list.

Studies have shown that it is possible for one to be overweight—even obese—and still maintain a healthy metabolic profile. The opposite is also true (to be slim and have a poor metabolic profile). Yet no matter how healthy a larger person can be, data is now showing us that they will face an increased risk of health problems in the longer term as a result of their excess weight.

A recent study in Sweden indicates that as fatter people get older, their risk for heart disease becomes somewhere around 50% higher than their thin counterparts with the same metabolic profile (I propose one way to mitigate this increased risk at the end of this entry).

Much more research needs to be done, but the evidence available is clearly telling us that no matter how much fat people exercise and eat well, the simple fact that they are heavier places them in a higher risk group for late-in-life health problems.

But does that mean gainers or people who endorse the “big is sexy” mantra are somehow killing themselves or their partners?

Should elevated risk deter us from pursing something that makes us happy?


THE TROUBLE WITH RISK

The human race as a whole has a tricky relationship with risk.

We’ve spent millennia working to create systems and technologies that will reduce our risk of death or injury—ranging from the seatbelt of today to the time the first caveman put some rocks around his fire to keep his feet from getting burnt.

And yet at the same time, we revel in it. We make heroes out of the great risk-takers (explorers, warriors, astronauts). We are excited and inspired by risk, even if we are simultaneously terrified by it.

But no matter how much we try to prevent it, risk is all around. Simply living is to take risks.

Getting into a car is perhaps one of the riskiest things a young American could do. And yet every day, most of us do it without thinking twice.

A recent study by the American Heart Association found that watching TV (or sitting in front of a computer), increases the risk of heart attack or stroke by a staggering 80%, regardless of weight. And yet somehow I doubt any Americans are ready give up their Dancing with the Stars over that finding (I certainly won't be giving up my 30 Rock).

We try to live our lives with as many insurance policies as possible. Traditionally those policies were a spouse, children and close family connections. Later it became money, and most recently—as life-spans have lengthened—it’s come to include good health.

But the deep dark truth about life is that it’s short. It ends. Nobody gets out alive.

In other words: Shit happens.

We can calculate risk and avoid that which is not palatable but we can’t avoid living.


LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

I’d like to think that I’m a health-conscious big guy.

I weigh 360 pounds (yeah, those last 10 pounds just kinda crept up on me). I do cardio two or three times a week and live in New York City (sans car), where I probably walk a few miles every day.

Just to maintain at this size takes a lot of food. So I try to eat good stuff (you know, veggies) and avoid the bad stuff (like trans fats; too much sodium).

I’ll explore how to gain or maintain in a healthy way in another blog post, but I wanted to explain that I’m not simply sitting around on a couch all day stuffing my face with pie (as pleasing as that thought may be).

And yet despite all my efforts, I know that I’m still a 360-pound guy. No matter how much cardio I do or veggies I eat, my weight takes a certain toll on my body and I’m sure that it increases the risk that I may get sick or even die earlier than I would if I lost weight and kept it off.

Does that mean I’m killing myself?

No more than someone who drives everyday is killing themselves. Or someone who drinks a moderate amount of alcohol. Or watches TV.

Plenty of activities (and genetic factors) can elevate our risks for dying. But we can’t avoid all of them—and especially not the ones that contribute to our sense of well-being and happiness.
I want to live a long life, but I’d also like to live a happy one. Most importantly, I’d like to live one on my own terms. If you want to eat whey everyday and run 16 miles so you can live to 100, that’s great for you. That’s just not my idea of “living.”

I like to eat. I like to be big. So I’m finding a way to accommodate those needs with the right dose of precaution to live as long and happily as possible. If my vital signs ever start turning south, putting my health in serious jeopardy, I have no qualms about losing some of the weight to bring my risk back to an acceptable level.

But in general, I’m not going to stop myself from being who I want to be or doing what I want to do, simply because it might marginally elevate my risk of dying someday. Many things I love elevate that risk. That’s part of being alive.

I work in a field that requires a lot of travel (and living) in the developing world. When I lived in Nairobi it was considered the second-most dangerous city in the world. Crime is ubiquitous. Car accidents abound. And there’s countless untreatable diseases lurking about.

And then there's the simple stress of it all.

But even if my line of work means I have a higher chance of dying slightly younger, it won’t stop me from doing it. It’s what I love. Yes a nice safe accounting job in a cubicle in Sacramento might reduce my risk, but it wouldn’t give me the satisfaction and joy I get from what I do.

That’s a risk I’m willing to accept.


HOW MUCH RISK CAN YOU ACCEPT?

Does that mean that everyone should gain? Not necessarily. If you have reservations, take the time to explore them honestly. See a doctor and evaluate your risk (or potential risk) for health problems. Compare that against the other risk factors in your life.

Nobody should gain if they aren’t comfortable with the ramifications (see-sawing back and forth between gaining and losing is probably the least healthy thing you could do to your body).

When you’re deciding what to do—whether to gain, lose or maintain—just be sure to keep things in perspective; and always take the notion of “elevated risk” with a grain of salt.

Sometimes, life demands a little risk.

Now if you’re still hooked on the numbers thing and looking for some way to improve your long-term outcomes, you may want to check out a recent study by the New England Research Institute in Massachusetts: They found that regular sex (twice a week or more) reduced by 50% the chance of a heart attack in adult men—again, regardless of weight.

Sure beats an apple a day.

When Life Gives You Flakes...

I still remember the first time I was completely flaked on. I was 18, just finishing up my freshman year of college and visiting my family in San Francisco (and weighing in around 200 pounds). I had known this guy “Davey” online for a while and finally decided to meet him in person.

We agreed to meet in front of his apartment on Market St. and I arrived promptly, all bright eyed and bushy… err… bellied. I called his cell phone and he picked up. “I just ran down the street to get groceries,” he told me. “I’m walking back to my apartment right now. Oh is that you in front of my building? I see you now!”

Click.

I looked around, but didn’t see any sign of my portly liaison. So I waited. And waited. “Maybe he stopped somewhere else? Or I just missed him?” I reasoned. So I called, and his phone rang. And rang.

After about 20 minutes, I got the picture. I had just experienced my first (and admittedly most callous) flake. I later found out I was only one of many guys to have the same experience with Davey the Sociopath.

In the seven years since then, I’ve encountered my share of flakes here and there. None quite as malicious as Davey. Sometimes it’s the guy who continually sets up plans only to cancel the day before (or hour before) every time. Other times it’s the guy who just refuses to pick up his phone after making plans. And then there’s the guy who’s always too busy to commit to a time and place for meeting.

It’s easy to get caught up in the negative. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve lamented to friends about how flaky the gainer community can be. And yet my good experiences have vastly outweighed the bad ones—which is why I’m still here and still meeting new people.

But it all begs the question: are gainers/encouragers really more flaky than the average person? And if so, why?


WHAT MAKES A FLAKE A FLAKE

It’s important to first define what it is we’re talking about. Certainly there are different types of flakes: Just like we have Murder 1, Murder 2 and Manslaughter, so there are also degrees of flaking.

Picture a spectrum, on which all flaky guys exist. At one end of the spectrum we have malice (the actual desire to hurt or annoy) and at the other end we have apathy (generally not caring about the impact of one’s actions on others).

The most extreme end is embodied by people like Davey—guys who seem to get a perverse satisfaction at wasting your time and energy. Their crimes are pre-meditated and altogether sociopathic. Fortunately for all of us, the extreme, malicious flake is incredibly rare.

Around the middle of the spectrum (the Flake 2’s if you will) we have guys who display a sort of malicious negligence. They typically fall into one of two types: The first type is horny, and sees setting up plans as a way to keep you engaged online until they can get off—then once they’ve reached climax, have no more need for pesky commitments. The second is those who are not yet ready to meet up in person, but haven’t found a way to articulate that. So they make plans in a spontaneous an act of bravery, but eventually come to realize that they aren’t ready to meet in the flesh and cancel.

At the apathetic end of the spectrum (those guilty of Flake-slaughter or perhaps Man-flake?), there’s a bit of a mixed bag: Guys who are just now evolving from lurker status or for whom flakiness is an embedded personality trait—who are just as likely to forget about their plans to meet you as they are with their “real world” friends.

But outside that spectrum there’s another group, one that often get’s lumped into flaking, but really doesn’t belong. The he’s-just-not-that-into-you category.

The truth about our community is that, like any gay sub-community, people are generally interested in meeting guys they are at least somewhat attracted to. There’s always exceptions, but on the whole, it’s pretty reliable fact.

I’m way past my “first thirty pounds” and so I don’t really expect guys who are attracted to the first-thirty crowd to want to meet me. Some still might, but they are certainly an exception.

Sometimes that guy you think of as a flake, just isn’t all that into you and doesn’t know how (or care) to tell you that directly. So he waffles, he makes excuses and sometimes he just ignores you. Is it polite? No. Is it honest? Not really. But it’s a fact we have to face.

All of these people have one thing in common—they shouldn’t matter to you. When you realize a guy is turning out to be a flake (or just isn’t interested in you and doesn’t know how to say it), shut it down. Move on. It’s not worth it to waste one more second engaging or even chastising him. If he’s going to change, he’ll do it on his own terms.

Sometimes, we just need to call a spade a spade, and get on with things.

You deserve better than to be treated like that. And you will find better. There are countless other guys who will be into you and will actually want to set up plans to meet. Focus your time and energy on them.

So back to that question posed at the beginning:


ARE GAINERS/ENCOURAGERS INHERENTLY FLAKY?

The truth is, the world is a flaky place. Unless there’s serious emotional (e.g. family, close friends) or financial incentives, people can be quite unreliable—especially when dealing with relative strangers.

And yet I can’t help but think that gainers are flakier than your average person.

I’d argue that has much to do with our own inner gainer shame. I started exploring that idea in “This is Not a Man” in regards to the objectification of guys online. The more shame a person feels over his interest in gaining/encouraging, the more likely he’ll be to make stupid mistakes and treat other guys online as less than human.

I don’t think I need to say very much about gainer shame, because it’s certainly something every single one of us has gone through, or is still going through.

Ours is an interest that defies the mainstream. Let’s face it: it’s weird, it’s different and it’s a little bit freaky (in the “get your freak on” sense, not the “Freaky Friday” sense). So it can be hard to accept and not feel some residual shame over.

Add to that the fact that many of us are straddling multiple identities—how many gainer encouragers out there are also active in the mainstream gay community, or have civilian boyfriends?—and you’ve got a recipe for denial, self-loathing and all-around flakery.

And yet despite all the gainer shame out there, and the presence of persistent flakes, somehow our community thrives and expands. It’s hard not to be optimistic when you look at the trend of so many groups of gainer/encourager friends sprouting up all over the country; so many guys who are meeting and engaging with their local brethren.

Sure there are plenty of lurkers out there and the occasional guy who seems to be going out of his way to make it as difficult as possible to meet for a beer. But today’s lurkers become tomorrow’s out-and-proud gainers/encouragers. And the majority of guys with profiles online are actually interested in meeting.

Maybe they don’t want to meet right now and maybe not with you. And that’s OK. As the saying goes, “You can’t have everything all the time.” If this one guy doesn’t want to meet you, you’ll find someone else who will. And he’ll be awesome.

There’s an abundance of quality guys out there—men worth getting to know, befriending and maybe even dating. Don’t let a few lousy flakes keep you from meeting them.


HOLIDAY BREAK

I’m going to be taking a three-week break from this blog. Partly because it’s the holidays and I’ll be spending time with family and friends, but also because writing a column every week for the last few months, in addition to a full time job and other mentally-intensive things (watching episodes of Arrested Development on Hulu counts, right?) is a little exhausting and my brain needs some rest.

So I’ll be back in the new year with new posts, starting the second week of January. Until then, happy holidays everyone. And a prosperous, fattening and flake-free new years. And don't forget: When life gives you flakes, make a snowman.