Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Gainer Sex*

(*But Were Afraid to Ask)

Gainers don’t like to talk about sex.

I’m not sure what it is, but when you look on the forums on bellybuilders or dissect the conversations at Expansion or at any gainer bar night or luncheon, sex is a topic rarely touched on.

I can’t quite say why this is.

I mean, we’re all sexual beings—and we are connected by something that is sexual at its core. And yet sexual tastes tend to go undiscussed among gainer/encourager friends.

That gap became even more clear to me a few weeks back, when I was chatting with a longtime gainer friend who confided in me that his sexuality wasn’t quite like mine.

I was intrigued, so I asked him to elaborate.

“I just don’t like typical sex,” he said. “Anal and oral sex don’t do anything for me.”

His comment took me by surprise.

I had come to accept that most guys who share this interest aren’t all that into “normative” sex. It’s certainly never been terribly central to my desires. So for the first time in our friendship, we talked about sex, sexuality and kink.

But that conversation got me thinking—how much do we collectively know about our community’s sexual tastes? How prevalent is normative, anal sex among gainers and encouragers? Is it weird to be a gainer/encourager and not be into f*cking?

BUT… SEX?

My own personal experience has always led me to believe that we gainers and encouragers are wired a little differently than our bear, chub or twink counterparts.

When I chat with guys from bear sites or other non-gainer sites, the conversation quickly navigates to a few key questions: “Are you a top or a bottom?” “How big is your dick?” “Wanna know how big mine is?”

But when I chat with guys from the gainer sites, the questions usually go something more like: “How big is your belly?” “Do you plan on getting bigger?” “How much weight would look hot on me?”

Cross-referencing that with my own personal preferences, I’d always assumed that gainers were just less into normative anal sex than other gay guys.

But I figured it would be worth further exploration.

So again I turned to Bellybuilders to poll the community and find out if my soft observations would be backed up by hard data (I know this is very un-scientific, but it’s the closest we have to actual polling). With more than 200 responses, the community appeared to be split right down the middle.

Forty percent said they either liked, loved or were obsessed with anal sex.

Forty percent said they didn’t care for, disliked or hated it.

Twenty percent were indifferent.

So what does all that mean? Well primarily, it tells us that when it comes to anal sex, gainers and encouragers feel pretty “meh.”

Certainly there are those who love it (about 14 percent said that anal sex turned them on most or all of the time). And only one in 10 were in the same boat as my friend—absolutely hating even the idea of it.

But overall, 60 percent of the respondents felt anal sex was either OK, not so great, or just plain terrible. That means almost 2/3 of all gainers are at best apathetic about, if not outright turned off by, anal sex.

There are certainly plenty of non-gainer gay men who also don’t care for anal sex, but it’s the sheer imbalance of these numbers in our community that make them so profound.

And yet that imbalance makes sense. If all we wanted was typical anal sex with heavier guys, we’d be chubs and chasers. But we want something different.

For some of us that can be as simple and gratifying as a belly rub. For others it may need to involve role play about gaining weight or actually packing on a few (or a lot). Still others may be turned on by bringing food and feeding into the equation, or liquids to bloat.

Many of our fantasies can play out in real life without the need for anal sex. It doesn’t mean we don’t do it (and there’s certainly a solid portion of our community that does enjoy it); it just means that many of us can have gratifying sex lives without engaging in anal sex.

THE ANAL SEX DEFICIT

So why does any of this matter?

It matters because as gay men, we’re told by society (and other gay men) that we should like anal sex. It’s certainly true that anal sex can be a deeply intimate and satisfying experience, but we live in a world where many have come to consider it the only “real” sex we can have.

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably come to the realization on some level that society telling us what to like and not like is utter crap.

And yet having desires that stray so far from the mainstream can feel lonely at times. It’s one thing to like heavier dudes or think a belly is sexy. It’s something completely different to feel apathy or distaste for what is considered by many to be the holy grail of male same-sex relations.

It’s certainly something that can throw a major wrench into dating civilians, who are more likely to want regular anal sex to feel physically satisfied. If your partner wants to f*ck more often and you don’t, that can be a problem.

Of my gainer friends who’ve encountered this anal sex deficit in their civilian relationships, most have opted to become open in order to help their partners find the kind of sex they want. Several have ended their relationships in part because they felt they couldn’t satisfy their partner’s needs. Some have managed to find a happy compromise for both parties.

If you’re going to date a civilian (or even another gainer/encourager for that matter), it’s important to discuss your sexual tastes with them. Just saying that you like bellies or enjoy the idea of guys getting fatter isn’t enough.

We need to communicate what we actually like—and don’t like—between the sheets.

Be honest and forthright at the outset: There’s a good chance they’ll feel the same as you, and if they don’t, you’ll need to communicate that and find solutions.

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that what makes us different doesn’t need to make us feel lonely.

For those who feel indifference or even distaste for anal sex, the message is clear: You’re not alone, not by a long shot. And for those who like it or love it: Ditto for you.

The important thing is to have fun and be safe.

As Woody Allen says: “Sex between two people is a beautiful thing… Between five is fantastic!”

Risky Business

A lot of people have a problem with the idea of gaining—or even simply glorifying the big and the beautiful.

Being fat, they say, is unhealthy and increases your risk for serious illness—diabetes and heart disease usually top the list.

Studies have shown that it is possible for one to be overweight—even obese—and still maintain a healthy metabolic profile. The opposite is also true (to be slim and have a poor metabolic profile). Yet no matter how healthy a larger person can be, data is now showing us that they will face an increased risk of health problems in the longer term as a result of their excess weight.

A recent study in Sweden indicates that as fatter people get older, their risk for heart disease becomes somewhere around 50% higher than their thin counterparts with the same metabolic profile (I propose one way to mitigate this increased risk at the end of this entry).

Much more research needs to be done, but the evidence available is clearly telling us that no matter how much fat people exercise and eat well, the simple fact that they are heavier places them in a higher risk group for late-in-life health problems.

But does that mean gainers or people who endorse the “big is sexy” mantra are somehow killing themselves or their partners?

Should elevated risk deter us from pursing something that makes us happy?


THE TROUBLE WITH RISK

The human race as a whole has a tricky relationship with risk.

We’ve spent millennia working to create systems and technologies that will reduce our risk of death or injury—ranging from the seatbelt of today to the time the first caveman put some rocks around his fire to keep his feet from getting burnt.

And yet at the same time, we revel in it. We make heroes out of the great risk-takers (explorers, warriors, astronauts). We are excited and inspired by risk, even if we are simultaneously terrified by it.

But no matter how much we try to prevent it, risk is all around. Simply living is to take risks.

Getting into a car is perhaps one of the riskiest things a young American could do. And yet every day, most of us do it without thinking twice.

A recent study by the American Heart Association found that watching TV (or sitting in front of a computer), increases the risk of heart attack or stroke by a staggering 80%, regardless of weight. And yet somehow I doubt any Americans are ready give up their Dancing with the Stars over that finding (I certainly won't be giving up my 30 Rock).

We try to live our lives with as many insurance policies as possible. Traditionally those policies were a spouse, children and close family connections. Later it became money, and most recently—as life-spans have lengthened—it’s come to include good health.

But the deep dark truth about life is that it’s short. It ends. Nobody gets out alive.

In other words: Shit happens.

We can calculate risk and avoid that which is not palatable but we can’t avoid living.


LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

I’d like to think that I’m a health-conscious big guy.

I weigh 360 pounds (yeah, those last 10 pounds just kinda crept up on me). I do cardio two or three times a week and live in New York City (sans car), where I probably walk a few miles every day.

Just to maintain at this size takes a lot of food. So I try to eat good stuff (you know, veggies) and avoid the bad stuff (like trans fats; too much sodium).

I’ll explore how to gain or maintain in a healthy way in another blog post, but I wanted to explain that I’m not simply sitting around on a couch all day stuffing my face with pie (as pleasing as that thought may be).

And yet despite all my efforts, I know that I’m still a 360-pound guy. No matter how much cardio I do or veggies I eat, my weight takes a certain toll on my body and I’m sure that it increases the risk that I may get sick or even die earlier than I would if I lost weight and kept it off.

Does that mean I’m killing myself?

No more than someone who drives everyday is killing themselves. Or someone who drinks a moderate amount of alcohol. Or watches TV.

Plenty of activities (and genetic factors) can elevate our risks for dying. But we can’t avoid all of them—and especially not the ones that contribute to our sense of well-being and happiness.
I want to live a long life, but I’d also like to live a happy one. Most importantly, I’d like to live one on my own terms. If you want to eat whey everyday and run 16 miles so you can live to 100, that’s great for you. That’s just not my idea of “living.”

I like to eat. I like to be big. So I’m finding a way to accommodate those needs with the right dose of precaution to live as long and happily as possible. If my vital signs ever start turning south, putting my health in serious jeopardy, I have no qualms about losing some of the weight to bring my risk back to an acceptable level.

But in general, I’m not going to stop myself from being who I want to be or doing what I want to do, simply because it might marginally elevate my risk of dying someday. Many things I love elevate that risk. That’s part of being alive.

I work in a field that requires a lot of travel (and living) in the developing world. When I lived in Nairobi it was considered the second-most dangerous city in the world. Crime is ubiquitous. Car accidents abound. And there’s countless untreatable diseases lurking about.

And then there's the simple stress of it all.

But even if my line of work means I have a higher chance of dying slightly younger, it won’t stop me from doing it. It’s what I love. Yes a nice safe accounting job in a cubicle in Sacramento might reduce my risk, but it wouldn’t give me the satisfaction and joy I get from what I do.

That’s a risk I’m willing to accept.


HOW MUCH RISK CAN YOU ACCEPT?

Does that mean that everyone should gain? Not necessarily. If you have reservations, take the time to explore them honestly. See a doctor and evaluate your risk (or potential risk) for health problems. Compare that against the other risk factors in your life.

Nobody should gain if they aren’t comfortable with the ramifications (see-sawing back and forth between gaining and losing is probably the least healthy thing you could do to your body).

When you’re deciding what to do—whether to gain, lose or maintain—just be sure to keep things in perspective; and always take the notion of “elevated risk” with a grain of salt.

Sometimes, life demands a little risk.

Now if you’re still hooked on the numbers thing and looking for some way to improve your long-term outcomes, you may want to check out a recent study by the New England Research Institute in Massachusetts: They found that regular sex (twice a week or more) reduced by 50% the chance of a heart attack in adult men—again, regardless of weight.

Sure beats an apple a day.