We'll Miss You, Mark

I remember the first time I met Mark, I was mesmerized by how much he managed to smile.

OK, I was also mesmerized by how big he looked, but it was his smile that really caught my attention. I suppose normally I’d be a little concerned if I saw someone with an ear-to-ear grin that never seemed to vanish, but somehow it fit him so well.

He was one of the first people I’d ever met from the gainer scene, and it was refreshing to see someone who shared my kink and yet seemed so effortlessly happy.

At the very first Expansion back in 2007, Mark was like the momma bear to the whole event: Friendly to everyone, making every attendee—extrovert and introvert, fat and thin—feel welcome and heard. He was the first person you’d want on hand if an argument broke out, because you knew that within minutes he’d have everyone snacking on sandwiches and forgetting what even got them riled up in the first place.

Mark was a nurturer and anyone who knew him knew that he deeply cared for those around him. And he let you know it with that radiant grin.

The last time I saw him was at the D.C. GrommOff a few months ago. He was preparing for a particularly tough bone marrow transplant and facing a long and painful recovery. It was a dark road he’d been down many times before. But you wouldn’t know any of it from his demeanor. Mark didn’t want you to worry about him, and so he’d ask how you were doing and what you were up to. He wanted others to be happy, not concerned.

That was just the kind of guy he was.

Mark didn’t have the easiest life and dealt with more than his fair share of pain and loss, particularly in more recent years. He lived through the AIDS pandemic and lost many good friends and even his partner. But despite it all, he survived. Not just survived—he thrived. Because in all the years I knew him—through ups and downs, good days and bad—I never did see him without that smile.

I’ll miss him so much.

Go Offline. Get Real.

Again a bit of a break from the blog. No excuses this time, I’ve just been too busy to write.

I did want to post something about Expansion, seeing as how its two weeks away and those of you on the fence about going will need to make up your minds soon.

I had written a sort of FAQ for Expansion a little while back (you may have seen it on the Expansion beefyfrat profile). I figured posting it here might help some of you to better understand what Expansion is all about, why it’s so awesome and how it’s most definitely NOT a sex party (somehow that rumor seems to persist!)

What is Expansion?

Expansion is a once-yearly weekend when guys who are into gaining, encouraging and all things belly come

together to forge new friendships, hang out, have fun and get their grub on. It’s a safe space where you can truly be you, without fear of what other people will think.

Think of it as gainer/encourager summer camp. In October.

Who comes to Expansion?

Anyone who wants to come. Attendees come from around the world and across the U.S. and include guys as young as 18 and old enough to qualify for Medicare. Expansionistas are skinny, muscular, chubby, fat, ridiculously fat and really-ridiculously fat… we’re a diverse bunch, you get the picture.

How many guys usually attend?

Last year we had over 80.

So what exactly do you do at Expansion?

Expansion is pretty unstructured, which means, you get to do whatever you want to do—that might be socializing poolside, grabbing food at nearby restaurants or hitting up the local gay bars. You can also take part in some of the organized events throughout the weekend, such as game nights, city tours, bar visits, group discussions and a big end-of-weekend buffet meal.

Ultimately, Expansion is what you make of it.

So are you saying it’s not a big orgy?

Right. Attendees are free to engage in whatever they want in the privacy of their rooms—and some do. But Expansion is first and foremost about camaraderie and community. If there are hookups, they happen behind closed doors and play by the pool is kept to PG-rated belly rubbin.

Again, Expansion can be whatever you want it to be. Whether you want to make new friends or find someone for something more, you’ll find good company at Expansion.

Isn’t it a little weird to have all these big guys at the hotel?

Not really. We tend to take over whichever hotel is hosting us, which means that the pool area tends to be ours. It becomes a sort of safe space throughout the weekend, where guys can chat freely about growing, bellies or whatever the hell else they wanna talk about. Over the past three years, we’ve never encountered any problems with other hotel guests.

But what If I don’t know anyone before hand?

Each year, plenty of guys come to Expansion without knowing anyone else there—ask any of them and they’ll tell you that, while a little scary, the risk paid off. We create structured ways for new attendees to meet people, including ice-breaker activities and group outings.

To take some of the pressure off meeting for the first time, you can also connect with people online before the event on sites like beefyfrat, bellybuilders and growingguys.

But even if you don’t do some pre-networking, you’ll find the Expansion crowd to be welcoming, friendly and easy-going. It takes all kinds.

If I go, am I gonna see a bunch of pictures of me at the event online afterward?

Nope. The Expansion team respects the privacy and discretion of our attendees. We allow all attendees to opt-out of picture taking—meaning that we won’t take photos with that person in them or let any photos of them be posted online by other attendees.

If you have problems with someone taking your picture at the event, just notify an Expansioneer for help.

You really call Expansion staff “Expansioneers”?

We just started using it, but we like the sound of the sound of it. We’ll see if it catches on.

My boyfriend isn’t into gaining/encouraging. Should I bring him?

In the past, several attendees have come with their “civilian” (our term for non-gainer/encourager types) boyfriends, in order to help them understand this kink and community better. All of them have left with a greater understanding of their partner’s desires.

As long as your boyfriend/partner is respectful toward other attendees, we welcome you to bring them along, and help them see more of what’s going on in your head.

So how much does it all cost?

This depends on a few variables. The cost for registration is around $66. A room at the host hotel is $80-120 per night, or $240-360 for all three nights. If you need to save money, find a friend to room with and cut those costs in half.

Transportation is case-specific. If you’re within driving distance of Ft. Lauderdale, then the costs are negligible. Airfare from anywhere in the Southeastern U.S. should set you back about $100 roundtrip. From anywhere else in the U.S. or Canada, expect to pay around $150-$300 roundtrip. From abroad, roundtrip airfare could be anywhere from $500 (from, say, the U.K.) to $1,500 (from Australia, for example).

Even two weeks out, there are affordable tickets to be found (thanks to this being off-season for Fort Lauderdale). If you’re having trouble finding cheap airfare, we recommend www.kayak.com which searches a bunch of different sites and gives you options all in one place.

Food is also case-specific. It depends how much you eat and where you choose to eat. But to give you an idea, last year, the average attendee spent about $60 a day on food.

So if you’re on a tight budget and you register early, share a room, fly in from somewhere in the continental U.S. and eat at moderately priced restaurants, you could expect Expansion to set you back about $600 for the entire weekend.

So do I have any reason not to go?

Honestly, you don’t! Expansion is a great time for guys of any age, size or relationship status. It’s a fun weekend that doesn’t cost very much. And you can come out of it with new friends and memories that will last a lifetime.

For a lot of guys, making the jump from online to real life is scary. All we can promise is that our team and the other attendees do a stellar job of making it a lot less scary and lot more fun. If you doubt that, just ask any of the folks who attended last year.

The Stuffington Post

There’s been a bit of recent attention focused on our little community in the mainstream media (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, see articles here and here). And some fellow bloggers and I were recently contacted by a producer for Nightline about a segment they’re working on about gaining and gainers.

Some this coverage has been rather fair and balanced (in the real sense of that phrase, not the FoxNews sense), but certainly a lot of it was filled with misinformation. There were even some bits that were downright absurd (for a psychologist to assume all fetishists need therapy to overcome their “addictions” is beyond pale).

In fact, seeing as much of the attention gaining gets in world news is rather ridiculous, it seemed the only appropriate commentary would be through satire.

And so I give you the latest journalistic foray into the gainerverse, straight from our biased reporter friends at The Stuffington Post:

A GROWING THREAT

Are “Gainers” Targeting Your Children?

Steven Bauch wants to get fat.

Not “Oh, Matt Damon got fat for The Informant!” fat. He wants to get fat-fat.

“I just want to get bigger,” said Bauch over coffee one warm July afternoon in San Francisco, CA. “I’ve always wanted it, ever since I was a kid, so now I’m starting to pursue it in a responsible, healthy way. I’m basically eating what a body-builder would eat, I’m just not turning it into muscle.”

Ew.

Bauch, a reasonably attractive 20-something with a successful career is what he calls a “gainer”—someone who wants to become the fattest human ever, according to a definition I just made up.

And he’s not alone. Dozens of people online share his desire, in what has become known as the gaining movement, an offshoot of the fat acceptance movement, the animal suffrage movement and the movement for ethical trade with developing countries.

Bauch and other gainers claim to pack on the pounds in a reasonably healthy way. But can gaining weight actually be healthy? Or will he and his friends weigh down our overburdened healthcare system like Cameron Manheim on a teeter-totter?

We spoke with Chad Maigre, who runs a weightloss center in Miami, Florida for an unbiased opinion.

“Gaining is unhealthy, pure and simple,” said Maigre, who has a degree in modeling from the Barbizon School. “Everyone knows fat people die all the time. But thin people? We live forever. That’s science.”

Maigre says that gainers would be healthier if they ate more like him: Five highly processed protein bars a day, plus a small steak for dinner.

“I’ve managed to remove four of the six food groups from my diet,” he managed to sputter out before losing consciousness and tipping over in his chair. After coming to, he added that he passes out frequently, “a small side-effect of the uber-healthy lifestyle I lead.”

Maigre went as far to say that gaining could hurt the economic recovery.

“In this economy, we simply can’t afford to let “gaining” become the next fad. 95 percent of diets fail. That 95-percent return rate is what keeps the billion-dollar diet and fitness industry afloat. If all those failed dieters realized they could get fat and be both happy and sexy, thousands of model-thin, attractive, white and vaguely-Latin personal trainers and dieticians would be out of a job.”

Maigre added that numerous scientific studies proved that fat is gross and not “hot right now.”

Cynthia Gorgeman, head of Fat Acceptance Trans-American Service Society (FAT-ASS), has a different take.

“The body fascists in Hollywood and South Beach just can’t accept that an obese woman like myself can be sexy and happy,” Gorgeman said, emphatically tossing six doughnouts in her gaping mouth-hole as she spoke.

“FAT-ASS is about reclaiming America for fat people, the way our founding fathers intended. Michele Obama, that skinny b****, wants to tell me to eat salads? Barack, if you get tired of poking that board, come my way for some real cushion.”

Ms. Gorgeman continued in her solicitation of the President, however we cannot print the entirety of her comments due to their graphic nature and her repeated use of the phrase “fat-roll f***ing.”

Dr. Cristina Malaciencia, head psychologist at the Freud Institute for Reaching Premature Conclusions about Human Nature with Little or No Evidence, says that people like Bauch and Gorgeman are actually mentally ill.

“While I have no empirical data and I’ve never met the two people I’m about to diagnose, it’s clear from hearsay and my personal prejudice that they are, what we call at the Freud Institute, “f***in nutters.”

“Once I was at a Red Lobster and there was an obese woman crying in the restroom. She was clearly distraught by her disgusting fatness and I believe that such is the case with these so-called gainers.”

There is hope, says Dr. Malaciencia.

“We have a treatment to cure people who suffer from sexual fetishes. I once had a patient who wanted to have sex with his wife more than once a week. That’s more than 50 times per year! Can you imagine? Her vagina could have fallen off. Thanks to treatment, they now have sex once a month and for the other 29 days he masturbates in the shower while sobbing. Its success stories like that that keep me motivated in what I’m doing.”

For extra perspectives, we went on the street in Boston, Massachusetts, to find out what Joe Plumber thinks about gaining.

We received a wide range of feedback from people, ranging from “disgusting” to “wicked disgusting.”

One man on the street, Carlos deCalle, seemed irritated at being asked for his opinion.

“Are you kidding me? Why should I care what two consenting adults do behind closed doors? It’s none of my business. You wanna get fat, get fat. You wanna be tied up, go for it. It’s really none of business. This is America. Just let them be. Best of luck to them all.”

Fortunately, we were able to find a community member who didn’t mind sharing her incredibly narrow views in detail. Sharon Busybody, a morbidly-obese mother of three from Brighton said gaining worries her.

“I’m a big woman. But I’m fat because I’m a lonely, depressed person who eats her emotions. To gain weight on purpose just seems unhealthy. The only health way to be fat and healthy is to be completely out of control, like me.”

When asked if she was being hypocritical, Busybody said she didn’t think so.

“This is America, and what could be more American than the self-righteous judgment of others?”

“I have three young children,” she added, gesturing to the three rotund butterballs of flesh behind her, who were making their way through an extra-large pizza each. “What if these sickos tried to come and fatten them up? These people should be locked up!”

We couldn’t agree more.

Advice from Mr. Savage

After a bit of a break, I’m back to blogging.

Working in communications, I spend a large part of my days writing. So when work get’s crazy, by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is sit at my keyboard and tap out coherent thoughts. Work got a bit hectic for a month there, but thankfully it’s calming down.

This post was actually inspired by a recet chance encounter.

I was grabbing dinner at Chipotle after work last week and ran into a gainer friend (because New York is just one of those places where that kind of thing happens), and we got to talking about our respective developments in coming to terms with gaining.

He mentioned that a few years back, when he was in a much more conflicted state, he had called into Dan Savage for some advice. For those of you who don’t know, Mr. Savage is a gay man with an internet radio show through which he dishes out sex and relationship advice to straight and gay people alike.

My friend is rather embarrassed by how much of a mess he was when he made the call, but he agreed to share it with me and you all in the gainerverse.

The recording is available here. (Just skip forward to 13:15 to hear the conversation)

I was impressed by how much Mr. Savage seemed to understand about this kink, but he also appeared to conflate the act of feeding with a broader interest in gaining. It seems like he didn’t quite understand the caller’s desire to actually get fatter and not just play with food in bed or put on a couple pounds.

But otherwise, Mr. Savage had some pretty sensible advice to give. Anyone who’s ever felt conflicted about this—or any—kink, should give this a listen. I’m sure you’ll hear something in my friend’s voice that sounds altogether familiar. I know I did.


KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE

The conversation covers a lot of ground really quick, so there’s plenty to take in, but one of the things that struck me most was that my friend had all his facts straight—they just weren’t connecting to something deeper within him.

You can hear him say that this kink is a part of him and will continue to be for a long time. He seems to know that to be happy, he needs to engage it, whether that means telling a civilian partner about it or dating guys who are into it as well, or even gaining some weight himself.

And yet, he seems to be unable to make the connection between those facts, which he accepts on a conscious, visceral level, and something deeper that’s happening inside him.

No matter what he knows—and what Mr. Savage says—it just doesn’t feel right in his gut (pun intended).

For as much as we like to think that people are rational beings, we’re largely not. We’re emotional beings, which is what makes us so unique.

If we were rational, and always acted in ways that served our own happiness and prosperity, life would be pretty routine and boring. But we’re unpredictable. We act based as much on feeling as we do on facts, if not moreso.

And the thing about facts is that they don’t always coalesce with our deeper feelings. So even when we accept them (like accepting that this kink isn’t going anywhere and that to be happy, I need to engage it) it’s still hard to make the jump from simply knowing that to really accepting it—and living it.

Deep down inside, I think a lot of us want to be “normal.” Most kinks only manifest themselves in the bedroom. If you like feet or scat or bondage, all of it happens behind closed doors. So you can engage those kinks and 99 percent of your life can still be “normal.”

But gaining has ramifications for our lives outside the bedroom. Those extra pounds don’t disappear when you climax. And your friends will notice your partner’s added girth.

All of that can make accepting—and I mean truly accepting—this kink a little bit more difficult. Especially when that little voice deep inside you is sending all kinds of mixed messages about your body, your role in life and what others will think of you.


CERTAIN MISERY VS A CHANCE AT HAPPINESS

Mr. Savage said something during the conversation that I thought was particularly profound:

“Just like at one point you had to accept your homosexuality, you need to accept that you have this [kink]. And it’s not the [kink] that’s making you miserable. It’s you not reconciling yourself to the [kink] that’s making you miserable—it’s the conflict in your heart that you maintain through not accepting it and having a sense of humor about it.”

In a nutshell: the kink isn’t the problem; the conflict we create about the kink is.

I think that’s an important line to draw for those who are conflicted, because when you view the kink—and with it, your sexuality—as a problem, you end up turning it into an “other”. It becomes something separate from you and damaging to you. So you focus your baggage on that darn kink. If only you could shake it off, everything would be better.

By turning something that is naturally a part of us into an “other,” we keep ourselves from accepting it. The only way to get over that is to take all that anxiety and fear and refocus it. Instead of hating and resenting the kink, hate and resent the conflict you have with the kink.

Make that conflict the thing that needs to go away, not the desire to get bigger or make someone else bigger.

Mr. Savage continued with his advice:

“You’re miserable right now. You have the certain misery of continuing on as you have up until this point. Or you have what? Maybe you’ll be open about and some people will be shitty about it, and you’ll feel a little bad about it. But only by being open about it will you meet other people who are open about it and self-accepting about it, and find some happiness and contentment. It’s just like when you’re in the closet, when your option is certain misery in the closet or a chance of happiness out.”

The idea of accepting this kink and all that goes with it can be scary (it is uncertain, after all), but it’s a wholly happier prospect than ignoring or suppressing it.

My friend on the call refers to being dealt a weird hand. I think all of us were dealt weird hands, but I’d hardly call them bad hands.

We can’t control the cards we’re dealt. That’s for certain. But we sure as hell can decide how we play them.

I say, play for a chance at happiness.

Hold the Fries?

One caveat to this post: I am not a nutritionist or a doctor. This is advice based on what has worked (thusfar) for me. If you want to make a well-educated decision, please consult your doctor, nutritionist or tv psychic.

Probably the biggest moral quandary for us gainers is reconciling our desire to be bigger with our desire to live long, healthy lives.

I know, for some guys even mentioning the word “healthy” takes all of the fun out of the gainer fantasy—after all, there aren’t exactly any hot gainer stories about how Brad the fattening jock was able to devour three bowls of humus.

But hey, eventually fantasy runs into the brick wall of reality.

As I described in my post back in January (“Risky Business”), it is possible to get bigger and stay reasonably healthy. Now it’s time to talk about how to do it.

Don’t worry, I won’t suggest that you need to ditch the late night burger runs and pizza binges. Those are great and should be a treat for yourself whether you’re gaining or not. Life is short (70-some trips around the sun if you’re lucky), so why not enjoy dessert?

But if McDonald’s is becoming the base of your food pyramid, then you might be in trouble. There are actually a lot of little tricks you can play to make sure your body is getting the nutrients and exercise it needs to stay healthy, while keeping the calorie in/out ratio in your favor.

That’s really the key to it all, anyway. Gaining weight is all about putting more calories in than you expend—so folks can finally stop IMing me to ask this question.

CALORIES IN

So what does a healthy gainer diet look like?

Well, to start with, there’s a lot you can do to improve the nutrients your body is getting without losing precious calories.

Start by cutting down on processed foods and stick to some of the naturally occurring ones that are high in calories/fat (a quick google search will tell you all you need to know). A good rule: If you can’t pronounce it, you probably shouldn’t be eating it (that goes for you, Butylated hydroxyanisole).

For my money, the real key to gaining without totally jacking up your fat intake (and bad cholesterol levels) is through a dieters worst enemy: carbs.

I fondly remember when I joined the cross country team in high school and the night before my first big meet, we went over to the coach’s house for “carbo-loading.” It was as if I’d died and gone to heaven. He had this massive bowl of pasta and everyone went back for seconds and thirds and then some. Of course, in that instance, carbs were being used to give us all energy for the next day’s run.

Carbs in general are not unhealthy—but combined with an inactive lifestyle, they can add poundage pretty quick, which is where they got the bad rap from (there is also a diabetes risk associated, so again, check with your doctor).

Breads, pastas, rice and potatoes are all relatively healthy and packed with carbohydrates (so are lots of vegetables). For a healthier twist, try whole grain breads and brown rice sometimes. Same great calories, but more of the good stuff your body wants.

A healthy gainer diet requires a bit of creativity.

Trail mix can have the same caloric content as a candy bar, but with a lot more good nutrients and less refined sugar.

Dieters hate dried fruit, because those tiny little things pack so many calories—healthy gainer win.

A friend of mine recently sang the praises of the standard rice and beans combo. It’s the only food outside of meat that has all 20 amino acids that make up proteins and its calorie rich. Good news for you vegetarian gainer folk.

I actually try to have at least a few salads a week. Salads are a great way to load up on lots of unprocessed (or minimally-processed) good-for-you foods in their most nutrient-rich raw form.

The key to a good salad is simple: skip the lettuce. Lettuce is a useless veggie—it’s one step above celery. It has a few calories, but mostly it’s just filler for people on diets.

Start with a little lettuce as a base, then load it up with nutrient-rich (and high-caloric) additions. Peas, garbanzo beans, kidney beans, corn, almonds, walnuts, cashews, eggs, cheese and meat are all pretty calorie-rich. Avocado is like the healthy gainer holy grail—high in natural fat and calories—so don’t be stingy with it.

Then throw in some carrots, tomatoes and broccoli cause, well, you know, they’re good for you. For good measure, douse it in a tasty dressing. And try eating it with some bread or rice so you don’t miss out on those awesome carbs.

Be creative. At the end of the day, healthy gaining is about eating the same stuff healthy skinny people eat—just more of it.

CALORIES OUT

The truth: cardio workouts help you live longer.

The good news: cardio workouts don’t necessarily make you lose weight.

The bad news: cardio workouts are a pain in the ass.

Yes, working out is essential to being a healthy gainer. Study after study shows us that, even when controlling for weight, a person who is active and works out regularly will live longer than someone who doesn’t.

Now when I say work out, I’m not referring to lifting weights. Yes, there are health benefits to lifting (particularly in strengthening your body to deal with extra weight), but they aren’t linked to your cardiovascular health. Lifting is mostly a means to achieving a physical look.

So that means in addition to leading an active lifestyle, it’s important to get some good cardio workouts into your schedule. I shoot for 2-3 times per week, but everyone’s different (one is better than none, right?)

If you hate doing cardio, try switching it up to find a workout you like. Biking and jogging are good ways to get outdoors. Elliptical and stair-stepper machines are good gym standbys (the former is especially good for those who are looking for a work out that will be friendly on their feet and shins).

I know some of you are probably thinking that if you do cardio, it will make it even harder to gain weight. It might be true for some, but studies are showing that working out actually doesn’t have a major impact on weight loss. This may have to do with the primitive ways that our bodies deal with fat storage and loss (read this NY Times article for more info).

And even if cardio did make things a little bit harder, at the end of the day, it’s worth the extra effort. When you’re starting to reach your heart attack years, you’ll have greater peace of mind knowing that you kept your heart strong—even if it came at the expense of a faster gain.

When constructing a workout regimen, make sure it works around your own hunger cycles. Try eating a nice big meal a couple hours before working out to boost your energy.

Most people get hungry right after a moderate work out (I once ate an entire three-foot-long baguette on my 15-minute walk home from the gym, but that’s another story for another time), so if you find you’re not hungry after a hard workout, it might help to take it a little easier. If you find you get those post-workout hunger pangs, make sure you’ve got a big meal waiting at home.

As you begin to grow, it’s important to start taking care of your body parts that are under increasing strain. That mostly means your poor, poor feet.

Invest in shoes that give you the maximum support so that being active and working out doesn’t have to cause you pain or leave your feet overly sore (I highly recommend anything by New Balance). Also, be aware that yes, as you get fatter, your feet can get fatter. Don’t try to cram your fat feet into a narrow shoe. Plenty of mainstream brands now carry EE shoes, so it’s not hard to find your style in a wide.

Be kind to your feet. You only get two of them.

Like I said above, I’m not a medical expert. If you’re having serious questions about your health, talk to your doctor (but also remember that he/she can have their own biases, so it’s good to get a second opinion).

What kind of tips do you all have? Any good foods or workout routines that have worked for you? Any general advice for those trying to chunk up and stay healthy?