When Life Gives You Flakes...

I still remember the first time I was completely flaked on. I was 18, just finishing up my freshman year of college and visiting my family in San Francisco (and weighing in around 200 pounds). I had known this guy “Davey” online for a while and finally decided to meet him in person.

We agreed to meet in front of his apartment on Market St. and I arrived promptly, all bright eyed and bushy… err… bellied. I called his cell phone and he picked up. “I just ran down the street to get groceries,” he told me. “I’m walking back to my apartment right now. Oh is that you in front of my building? I see you now!”

Click.

I looked around, but didn’t see any sign of my portly liaison. So I waited. And waited. “Maybe he stopped somewhere else? Or I just missed him?” I reasoned. So I called, and his phone rang. And rang.

After about 20 minutes, I got the picture. I had just experienced my first (and admittedly most callous) flake. I later found out I was only one of many guys to have the same experience with Davey the Sociopath.

In the seven years since then, I’ve encountered my share of flakes here and there. None quite as malicious as Davey. Sometimes it’s the guy who continually sets up plans only to cancel the day before (or hour before) every time. Other times it’s the guy who just refuses to pick up his phone after making plans. And then there’s the guy who’s always too busy to commit to a time and place for meeting.

It’s easy to get caught up in the negative. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve lamented to friends about how flaky the gainer community can be. And yet my good experiences have vastly outweighed the bad ones—which is why I’m still here and still meeting new people.

But it all begs the question: are gainers/encouragers really more flaky than the average person? And if so, why?


WHAT MAKES A FLAKE A FLAKE

It’s important to first define what it is we’re talking about. Certainly there are different types of flakes: Just like we have Murder 1, Murder 2 and Manslaughter, so there are also degrees of flaking.

Picture a spectrum, on which all flaky guys exist. At one end of the spectrum we have malice (the actual desire to hurt or annoy) and at the other end we have apathy (generally not caring about the impact of one’s actions on others).

The most extreme end is embodied by people like Davey—guys who seem to get a perverse satisfaction at wasting your time and energy. Their crimes are pre-meditated and altogether sociopathic. Fortunately for all of us, the extreme, malicious flake is incredibly rare.

Around the middle of the spectrum (the Flake 2’s if you will) we have guys who display a sort of malicious negligence. They typically fall into one of two types: The first type is horny, and sees setting up plans as a way to keep you engaged online until they can get off—then once they’ve reached climax, have no more need for pesky commitments. The second is those who are not yet ready to meet up in person, but haven’t found a way to articulate that. So they make plans in a spontaneous an act of bravery, but eventually come to realize that they aren’t ready to meet in the flesh and cancel.

At the apathetic end of the spectrum (those guilty of Flake-slaughter or perhaps Man-flake?), there’s a bit of a mixed bag: Guys who are just now evolving from lurker status or for whom flakiness is an embedded personality trait—who are just as likely to forget about their plans to meet you as they are with their “real world” friends.

But outside that spectrum there’s another group, one that often get’s lumped into flaking, but really doesn’t belong. The he’s-just-not-that-into-you category.

The truth about our community is that, like any gay sub-community, people are generally interested in meeting guys they are at least somewhat attracted to. There’s always exceptions, but on the whole, it’s pretty reliable fact.

I’m way past my “first thirty pounds” and so I don’t really expect guys who are attracted to the first-thirty crowd to want to meet me. Some still might, but they are certainly an exception.

Sometimes that guy you think of as a flake, just isn’t all that into you and doesn’t know how (or care) to tell you that directly. So he waffles, he makes excuses and sometimes he just ignores you. Is it polite? No. Is it honest? Not really. But it’s a fact we have to face.

All of these people have one thing in common—they shouldn’t matter to you. When you realize a guy is turning out to be a flake (or just isn’t interested in you and doesn’t know how to say it), shut it down. Move on. It’s not worth it to waste one more second engaging or even chastising him. If he’s going to change, he’ll do it on his own terms.

Sometimes, we just need to call a spade a spade, and get on with things.

You deserve better than to be treated like that. And you will find better. There are countless other guys who will be into you and will actually want to set up plans to meet. Focus your time and energy on them.

So back to that question posed at the beginning:


ARE GAINERS/ENCOURAGERS INHERENTLY FLAKY?

The truth is, the world is a flaky place. Unless there’s serious emotional (e.g. family, close friends) or financial incentives, people can be quite unreliable—especially when dealing with relative strangers.

And yet I can’t help but think that gainers are flakier than your average person.

I’d argue that has much to do with our own inner gainer shame. I started exploring that idea in “This is Not a Man” in regards to the objectification of guys online. The more shame a person feels over his interest in gaining/encouraging, the more likely he’ll be to make stupid mistakes and treat other guys online as less than human.

I don’t think I need to say very much about gainer shame, because it’s certainly something every single one of us has gone through, or is still going through.

Ours is an interest that defies the mainstream. Let’s face it: it’s weird, it’s different and it’s a little bit freaky (in the “get your freak on” sense, not the “Freaky Friday” sense). So it can be hard to accept and not feel some residual shame over.

Add to that the fact that many of us are straddling multiple identities—how many gainer encouragers out there are also active in the mainstream gay community, or have civilian boyfriends?—and you’ve got a recipe for denial, self-loathing and all-around flakery.

And yet despite all the gainer shame out there, and the presence of persistent flakes, somehow our community thrives and expands. It’s hard not to be optimistic when you look at the trend of so many groups of gainer/encourager friends sprouting up all over the country; so many guys who are meeting and engaging with their local brethren.

Sure there are plenty of lurkers out there and the occasional guy who seems to be going out of his way to make it as difficult as possible to meet for a beer. But today’s lurkers become tomorrow’s out-and-proud gainers/encouragers. And the majority of guys with profiles online are actually interested in meeting.

Maybe they don’t want to meet right now and maybe not with you. And that’s OK. As the saying goes, “You can’t have everything all the time.” If this one guy doesn’t want to meet you, you’ll find someone else who will. And he’ll be awesome.

There’s an abundance of quality guys out there—men worth getting to know, befriending and maybe even dating. Don’t let a few lousy flakes keep you from meeting them.


HOLIDAY BREAK

I’m going to be taking a three-week break from this blog. Partly because it’s the holidays and I’ll be spending time with family and friends, but also because writing a column every week for the last few months, in addition to a full time job and other mentally-intensive things (watching episodes of Arrested Development on Hulu counts, right?) is a little exhausting and my brain needs some rest.

So I’ll be back in the new year with new posts, starting the second week of January. Until then, happy holidays everyone. And a prosperous, fattening and flake-free new years. And don't forget: When life gives you flakes, make a snowman.