Coming Out of the Pantry

I’ve often joked with friends that coming out as a gainer is like a second coming out. In a way, it really is.

And yet, it’s fundamentally different from coming out as gay. Whereas telling your friends and family you’re into guys is really about the traits of the people you love and will partner with, telling someone you’re into gaining is an intimate peek into what gets you off. In that way it’s more like disclosing that you’re a top or a bottom, or into rough play.

Not exactly subject matter for dear mom and dad.

And yet it feels like this kink is something we should be letting more people in on. If it’s a big enough part of our lives (and our potential partners' lives), it’s something we should share. But with who? And to what degree?

Most of us have come to terms with coming out of the closet as gay or bi, but is there a right way—and I use this phrase half-jokingly—to come out of the pantry?


TWO KINDS OF COMING OUT

There are really two ways to come out as a gainer/encourager. The first is a “hard” coming out—telling the whole kinky story—and the second is a sort of “soft” coming out—explaining it more in terms of the traits of your ideal partner (or ideal self).

When you’re ready to do the deed, there’s a pretty simple way to figure out who gets a soft explanation and who gets a hard one.

Who are the people you normally discuss your sex life with? Are they your straight friends? Just your gay friends? Only your best friend? Any friend with whom you’d normally disclose intimate sexual information is someone you should feel comfortable telling about your interest in all this. Of course it goes without saying that if you have a civilian partner, he should get the full story too.

For those you decide to tell, tell everything. Be open and honest. At best they’ll think it’s funny. At worst they’ll think it’s weird. Either way, you’ll find relief in not having to censor yourself around the friends (or boyfriend) with whom you normally discuss sex.

For anyone with whom you wouldn’t share intimate details about your sexuality, there’s the soft coming out.

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that I’m a big advocate for honesty—being true to oneself is probably the underscoring theme of this blog. But certain subjects in life demand modesty as well. And that’s not a bad thing, it’s just life.

You’re not going to tell mom that you’re a bottom, or that you like giving head or that there’s a certain spot on your ear that when licked can make your leg twitch uncontrollably. At least I hope you wouldn’t tell your mom that.

But mom should probably know the basics—the issues of taste, as opposed to raw sex, that similarly define coming out as gay.


LETTING PEOPLE KNOW (WITHOUT LETTING THEM KNOW)

There are plenty of ways to let people in your life understand your general tastes in both men and your own body without disclosing your more prurient interests.

If you’re into big guys, let people know. There’s nothing weird about saying “I like bigger guys,” “I think guys with bellies are kinda cute,” or (in reference to a larger, sexy bloke) “he’s like an adorable teddy bear.” Be creative and have fun.

No one—except those who share this kink—will extrapolate those kinds of harmless comments about taste to reach the conclusion that, deep down, you want to watch men grow fatter or bury your face in a big belly. It may be a concern inside your own head, but I promise you, Nanna isn’t even reading the same book, let alone at risk of being on the same page as you.

They’re gonna meet your boyfriend(s) sooner or later and eventually they’ll put the pieces together that you are, in fact, attracted to bigger men. Get ahead of the story and liberate yourself in the process.

Now if you’re into growing yourself (or already are a big-bellied guy), then the soft coming out is all about signaling that you are very happy as a bigger man.

It’s important to acknowledge that for the vast majority of the planet, fatness is associated with being sad and lonely. When your friends or family see you getting fatter, they likely assume you’re having problems and when you stay fat, they assume you’re unhappy. This is not to be mean, it’s simply their mindset. If they were you, they’d be unhappy too.

So the onus is on you to completely and totally own your body. If you complain about diets not working or clothes not fitting to your non-gainer friends, stop it. If people comment about your weight, say things like, “I actually really like the way I look,” “I find I’m more confident as a bigger guy,” or even that classic standby: “I feel sexy.”

Again, nobody will automatically assume you must have some freaky gainer kink. They’ll simply begin to understand that you are happy and confident, and that’s all any friend wants for you (and if they don’t, you need new friends).

But it’s not just about your words. Owning your body is also about having a confident physical presence.

Stop wearing blousy shirts. Muumuu-esque outfits are for self-hating chubs, not confident gainers. Dressing in a tent sends a signal to the world that you’re ashamed of your body. Wear shirts that accentuate your curves. Find pants that do too.

Many guys have parts of them that they don’t like—you wish you had that rock-hard beergut but are stuck with pudgy love handles, or wish you were soft, flabby fat but stuck with a firm preggo belly. Do your best to ignore those. You need to own your entire body—even parts of it that you may not be 100 percent ecstatic about.

Perhaps the strongest signal you send to the world is through your posture.

Avoid the fatboy slouch. That’s when a bigger guy hunches forward so as to bring his head into alignment with the front of his belly/tits, creating the effect of slimness from his perspective (because when he looks down, he sees a straight line instead of a paunch). It fools no one. Instead, it just sends a message that you’re unconfident and uncomfortable with your body.

Straightening your spine while sitting and walking can completely change people’s perceptions of you. It says, “Don’t fuck with me, I’m confident and happy just as I am.” That’s a message that only good posture can convey.

At the end of the day, there is no “right” way to come out as a gainer/encourager/belly-lover. We each need to do it on our own terms.

But it’s helpful to remember that coming out of the pantry isn’t the same as coming out of the closet. You don’t need to tell everyone everything—and you shouldn’t have to. Even lifting just some of this off your shoulders can be immensely liberating.

The truth shall set us free. Or make us fat. Preferably both.