The Power Dichotomy

I’ve had a few people ask me to write about why we’re into this kink on the blog.

I’ve resisted exploring the “why” partly because I don’t think it’s an important question (and partly because I have no freakin idea). The main reason we—as human beings—want to know the root cause of something is so that we can fix it, but nothing here needs to be fixed.

There is nothing to be gained from knowing why we have this kink—whether it was because the doctor who delivered you was eating a doughnut or just a complete misreading of Willie Wonka as a child doesn’t really matter.

Perhaps its better we have some mystery about why we’re into gaining, encouraging and bellies.

But there is an intriguing theory that closely relates to the “why”: Despite a wide range of tastes and desires within our community, underlying all of our interests in gaining and encouraging is a single concept, lurking in our subconscious.

That concept is power (and hamburgers… OK, so there are two concepts).

The intimate link between power and sexuality is not unique to gainers and encouragers, but it’s interesting for us to think about nonetheless.

What is perhaps most intriguing to me is the idea of a dichotomy of power: How the desire for power and the desire for vulnerability both seem to co-exist, quite peacefully, within our little community. Even more fascinating is how they appear to co-exist, oftentimes, within a single person.

THE POWER/VULNERABILITY THEORY

It may not be conscious, but it seems like all of us are drawn to gaining, encouraging and belly loving because of power.

But there are two sides to that coin.

The first is the expression of raw power: This is masculinity at its most extreme. This is the side that might revel in the large man with the greedy appetite; the guy who takes what he wants; the guy who grows his belly and his status at the same time. Guys who prefer this side of the coin may enjoy the idea of a man who is not only in control of himself, but possibly even the people around him. Perhaps people step out of his way on the street and smaller guys feel intimidated by his size and strength.

On the other side of the coin we have a lack of power—otherwise known as vulnerability. Here we also have growth and size too, but a completely opposing underlying idea. This side might revel in the guy who is force-fed; the guy who is fattened by someone else; the guy who is completely out of control and can’t stop eating. This side of the coin might prefer the idea of a guy becoming immobile or even get off on him becoming less healthy and functional.

(These examples are meant to give context and in no way are intended to be an exhaustive list of the kinds of things people might like that fall into these two buckets).

Power and vulnerability sure sound like two totally opposing ideas, and yet, somehow, they seem to exist, side-by-side, in relative harmony in our community.

I think part of that is because while the underlying motivation is so different, the external process is the same. We can talk about the same kinds of things—eating, growing and loving big bellies—while being motivated by two different ideas. We can look at the same picture and admire it just the same—but imagine two completely different paths and reasons for getting there.

Gaining is, after all, an idea (or perhaps, two ideas).

And yet it’s not just within the community that these two opposing connotations of power exist. While it seems like most in this community would have a preference for one side of the power coin or the other, it also appears that both ideas could co-exist in many of us.

Which can be confusing to say the least.

For me, I feel like the powerful side of the coin is a bigger part of my sexuality, and yet there’s still a part of me that is allured by the vulnerability piece. A number of my friends have indicated similar “bi-curious” tendencies in this department.


FINDING BALANCE

I remember the first time I came across this blog by a guy who was renouncing gaining (http://fantasyaddicts.onlineaddicts.org/). At first I thought it was silly and melodramatic—I mean, an anti-gainer twelve-step program? Isn’t that just Jenny Craig?—but as I read what he wrote, I came to realize that he was truly conflicted.

I’d always thought of gaining as an empowering thing. To me it was an expression of control over our bodies, of asserting our desires and of becoming the kind of men we’d always admired. But I’d never thought of it as something that could be altogether different. I hadn’t consciously thought about the other side of that power coin.

For this guy, it appeared to me, gaining was that vulnerable side of the coin in its most extreme form. For him, to be a gainer was to be completely out of control, to be powerless to his “addiction,” which is, presumably, to grow incredibly fat. There could be no assertive middle ground for him, specifically because his attraction was so strong and so extreme.

It’s truly unfortunate that his extreme desires would cause him enough anguish that he would want to abandon them cold turkey (he appears to have relapsed several times, indicating that he may never truly be able to kick them entirely).

It’s an extreme response, but chances are, if he’s feeling that way, others might have similar thoughts.

It seems like those of us who favor the assertive, powerful side of the coin are in a slightly easier position than those who favor vulnerability. Men are expected to be masculine and powerful in our society. Social norms tell us we should take control of our lives and be stewards of our own fates. And it’s in our human nature to not want to relinquish control completely.

And yet for so many of us, relinquishing that control is exciting. It can be the reason we’re drawn to gaining. It can simultaneously turn us on and terrify us at the same time.

Walking that fine line can be difficult. And for those who find it most vexing (such as our blogger friend), it can be reason enough to try to leave it behind. But it shouldn’t have to be.

For those who find themselves on that line, it’s important to think about the motivations behind your desires. There’s no one right way to be a gainer and so it’s important that you be both true to your desires (which may be, say, to become immobile) and true to yourself (which may mean needing to remain mobile) at the same time.

Obviously this kind of thing requires careful thought and an appropriate dose of compromise. But it should never be cause for total abandonment of this interest that also brings us joy and satisfaction.

Understanding that which motivates us and meditating on our conflicting desires can help us to understand who we are as people and lead to making better decisions about whether to gain, maintain or lose.