Advice from Mr. Savage

After a bit of a break, I’m back to blogging.

Working in communications, I spend a large part of my days writing. So when work get’s crazy, by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is sit at my keyboard and tap out coherent thoughts. Work got a bit hectic for a month there, but thankfully it’s calming down.

This post was actually inspired by a recet chance encounter.

I was grabbing dinner at Chipotle after work last week and ran into a gainer friend (because New York is just one of those places where that kind of thing happens), and we got to talking about our respective developments in coming to terms with gaining.

He mentioned that a few years back, when he was in a much more conflicted state, he had called into Dan Savage for some advice. For those of you who don’t know, Mr. Savage is a gay man with an internet radio show through which he dishes out sex and relationship advice to straight and gay people alike.

My friend is rather embarrassed by how much of a mess he was when he made the call, but he agreed to share it with me and you all in the gainerverse.

The recording is available here. (Just skip forward to 13:15 to hear the conversation)

I was impressed by how much Mr. Savage seemed to understand about this kink, but he also appeared to conflate the act of feeding with a broader interest in gaining. It seems like he didn’t quite understand the caller’s desire to actually get fatter and not just play with food in bed or put on a couple pounds.

But otherwise, Mr. Savage had some pretty sensible advice to give. Anyone who’s ever felt conflicted about this—or any—kink, should give this a listen. I’m sure you’ll hear something in my friend’s voice that sounds altogether familiar. I know I did.


KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE

The conversation covers a lot of ground really quick, so there’s plenty to take in, but one of the things that struck me most was that my friend had all his facts straight—they just weren’t connecting to something deeper within him.

You can hear him say that this kink is a part of him and will continue to be for a long time. He seems to know that to be happy, he needs to engage it, whether that means telling a civilian partner about it or dating guys who are into it as well, or even gaining some weight himself.

And yet, he seems to be unable to make the connection between those facts, which he accepts on a conscious, visceral level, and something deeper that’s happening inside him.

No matter what he knows—and what Mr. Savage says—it just doesn’t feel right in his gut (pun intended).

For as much as we like to think that people are rational beings, we’re largely not. We’re emotional beings, which is what makes us so unique.

If we were rational, and always acted in ways that served our own happiness and prosperity, life would be pretty routine and boring. But we’re unpredictable. We act based as much on feeling as we do on facts, if not moreso.

And the thing about facts is that they don’t always coalesce with our deeper feelings. So even when we accept them (like accepting that this kink isn’t going anywhere and that to be happy, I need to engage it) it’s still hard to make the jump from simply knowing that to really accepting it—and living it.

Deep down inside, I think a lot of us want to be “normal.” Most kinks only manifest themselves in the bedroom. If you like feet or scat or bondage, all of it happens behind closed doors. So you can engage those kinks and 99 percent of your life can still be “normal.”

But gaining has ramifications for our lives outside the bedroom. Those extra pounds don’t disappear when you climax. And your friends will notice your partner’s added girth.

All of that can make accepting—and I mean truly accepting—this kink a little bit more difficult. Especially when that little voice deep inside you is sending all kinds of mixed messages about your body, your role in life and what others will think of you.


CERTAIN MISERY VS A CHANCE AT HAPPINESS

Mr. Savage said something during the conversation that I thought was particularly profound:

“Just like at one point you had to accept your homosexuality, you need to accept that you have this [kink]. And it’s not the [kink] that’s making you miserable. It’s you not reconciling yourself to the [kink] that’s making you miserable—it’s the conflict in your heart that you maintain through not accepting it and having a sense of humor about it.”

In a nutshell: the kink isn’t the problem; the conflict we create about the kink is.

I think that’s an important line to draw for those who are conflicted, because when you view the kink—and with it, your sexuality—as a problem, you end up turning it into an “other”. It becomes something separate from you and damaging to you. So you focus your baggage on that darn kink. If only you could shake it off, everything would be better.

By turning something that is naturally a part of us into an “other,” we keep ourselves from accepting it. The only way to get over that is to take all that anxiety and fear and refocus it. Instead of hating and resenting the kink, hate and resent the conflict you have with the kink.

Make that conflict the thing that needs to go away, not the desire to get bigger or make someone else bigger.

Mr. Savage continued with his advice:

“You’re miserable right now. You have the certain misery of continuing on as you have up until this point. Or you have what? Maybe you’ll be open about and some people will be shitty about it, and you’ll feel a little bad about it. But only by being open about it will you meet other people who are open about it and self-accepting about it, and find some happiness and contentment. It’s just like when you’re in the closet, when your option is certain misery in the closet or a chance of happiness out.”

The idea of accepting this kink and all that goes with it can be scary (it is uncertain, after all), but it’s a wholly happier prospect than ignoring or suppressing it.

My friend on the call refers to being dealt a weird hand. I think all of us were dealt weird hands, but I’d hardly call them bad hands.

We can’t control the cards we’re dealt. That’s for certain. But we sure as hell can decide how we play them.

I say, play for a chance at happiness.

Hold the Fries?

One caveat to this post: I am not a nutritionist or a doctor. This is advice based on what has worked (thusfar) for me. If you want to make a well-educated decision, please consult your doctor, nutritionist or tv psychic.

Probably the biggest moral quandary for us gainers is reconciling our desire to be bigger with our desire to live long, healthy lives.

I know, for some guys even mentioning the word “healthy” takes all of the fun out of the gainer fantasy—after all, there aren’t exactly any hot gainer stories about how Brad the fattening jock was able to devour three bowls of humus.

But hey, eventually fantasy runs into the brick wall of reality.

As I described in my post back in January (“Risky Business”), it is possible to get bigger and stay reasonably healthy. Now it’s time to talk about how to do it.

Don’t worry, I won’t suggest that you need to ditch the late night burger runs and pizza binges. Those are great and should be a treat for yourself whether you’re gaining or not. Life is short (70-some trips around the sun if you’re lucky), so why not enjoy dessert?

But if McDonald’s is becoming the base of your food pyramid, then you might be in trouble. There are actually a lot of little tricks you can play to make sure your body is getting the nutrients and exercise it needs to stay healthy, while keeping the calorie in/out ratio in your favor.

That’s really the key to it all, anyway. Gaining weight is all about putting more calories in than you expend—so folks can finally stop IMing me to ask this question.

CALORIES IN

So what does a healthy gainer diet look like?

Well, to start with, there’s a lot you can do to improve the nutrients your body is getting without losing precious calories.

Start by cutting down on processed foods and stick to some of the naturally occurring ones that are high in calories/fat (a quick google search will tell you all you need to know). A good rule: If you can’t pronounce it, you probably shouldn’t be eating it (that goes for you, Butylated hydroxyanisole).

For my money, the real key to gaining without totally jacking up your fat intake (and bad cholesterol levels) is through a dieters worst enemy: carbs.

I fondly remember when I joined the cross country team in high school and the night before my first big meet, we went over to the coach’s house for “carbo-loading.” It was as if I’d died and gone to heaven. He had this massive bowl of pasta and everyone went back for seconds and thirds and then some. Of course, in that instance, carbs were being used to give us all energy for the next day’s run.

Carbs in general are not unhealthy—but combined with an inactive lifestyle, they can add poundage pretty quick, which is where they got the bad rap from (there is also a diabetes risk associated, so again, check with your doctor).

Breads, pastas, rice and potatoes are all relatively healthy and packed with carbohydrates (so are lots of vegetables). For a healthier twist, try whole grain breads and brown rice sometimes. Same great calories, but more of the good stuff your body wants.

A healthy gainer diet requires a bit of creativity.

Trail mix can have the same caloric content as a candy bar, but with a lot more good nutrients and less refined sugar.

Dieters hate dried fruit, because those tiny little things pack so many calories—healthy gainer win.

A friend of mine recently sang the praises of the standard rice and beans combo. It’s the only food outside of meat that has all 20 amino acids that make up proteins and its calorie rich. Good news for you vegetarian gainer folk.

I actually try to have at least a few salads a week. Salads are a great way to load up on lots of unprocessed (or minimally-processed) good-for-you foods in their most nutrient-rich raw form.

The key to a good salad is simple: skip the lettuce. Lettuce is a useless veggie—it’s one step above celery. It has a few calories, but mostly it’s just filler for people on diets.

Start with a little lettuce as a base, then load it up with nutrient-rich (and high-caloric) additions. Peas, garbanzo beans, kidney beans, corn, almonds, walnuts, cashews, eggs, cheese and meat are all pretty calorie-rich. Avocado is like the healthy gainer holy grail—high in natural fat and calories—so don’t be stingy with it.

Then throw in some carrots, tomatoes and broccoli cause, well, you know, they’re good for you. For good measure, douse it in a tasty dressing. And try eating it with some bread or rice so you don’t miss out on those awesome carbs.

Be creative. At the end of the day, healthy gaining is about eating the same stuff healthy skinny people eat—just more of it.

CALORIES OUT

The truth: cardio workouts help you live longer.

The good news: cardio workouts don’t necessarily make you lose weight.

The bad news: cardio workouts are a pain in the ass.

Yes, working out is essential to being a healthy gainer. Study after study shows us that, even when controlling for weight, a person who is active and works out regularly will live longer than someone who doesn’t.

Now when I say work out, I’m not referring to lifting weights. Yes, there are health benefits to lifting (particularly in strengthening your body to deal with extra weight), but they aren’t linked to your cardiovascular health. Lifting is mostly a means to achieving a physical look.

So that means in addition to leading an active lifestyle, it’s important to get some good cardio workouts into your schedule. I shoot for 2-3 times per week, but everyone’s different (one is better than none, right?)

If you hate doing cardio, try switching it up to find a workout you like. Biking and jogging are good ways to get outdoors. Elliptical and stair-stepper machines are good gym standbys (the former is especially good for those who are looking for a work out that will be friendly on their feet and shins).

I know some of you are probably thinking that if you do cardio, it will make it even harder to gain weight. It might be true for some, but studies are showing that working out actually doesn’t have a major impact on weight loss. This may have to do with the primitive ways that our bodies deal with fat storage and loss (read this NY Times article for more info).

And even if cardio did make things a little bit harder, at the end of the day, it’s worth the extra effort. When you’re starting to reach your heart attack years, you’ll have greater peace of mind knowing that you kept your heart strong—even if it came at the expense of a faster gain.

When constructing a workout regimen, make sure it works around your own hunger cycles. Try eating a nice big meal a couple hours before working out to boost your energy.

Most people get hungry right after a moderate work out (I once ate an entire three-foot-long baguette on my 15-minute walk home from the gym, but that’s another story for another time), so if you find you’re not hungry after a hard workout, it might help to take it a little easier. If you find you get those post-workout hunger pangs, make sure you’ve got a big meal waiting at home.

As you begin to grow, it’s important to start taking care of your body parts that are under increasing strain. That mostly means your poor, poor feet.

Invest in shoes that give you the maximum support so that being active and working out doesn’t have to cause you pain or leave your feet overly sore (I highly recommend anything by New Balance). Also, be aware that yes, as you get fatter, your feet can get fatter. Don’t try to cram your fat feet into a narrow shoe. Plenty of mainstream brands now carry EE shoes, so it’s not hard to find your style in a wide.

Be kind to your feet. You only get two of them.

Like I said above, I’m not a medical expert. If you’re having serious questions about your health, talk to your doctor (but also remember that he/she can have their own biases, so it’s good to get a second opinion).

What kind of tips do you all have? Any good foods or workout routines that have worked for you? Any general advice for those trying to chunk up and stay healthy?

Community, or Something Like It

Last weekend, some friends and I held a couple informal gainer bar nights in NYC. They were ostensibly for my birthday/someone else’s birthday/a homecoming from Argentina/the arrival of spring, but mostly they were just an excuse to get a good group of guys from the community together to hang.

I had invited a friend from the frat who was apprehensive about showing up. He’s pretty new to all this and on top of that, he had kinda-sorta ignored a few guys who might be there. Plus there was one guy he had put off meeting for so long he was now embarrassed by it.

But for some reason, he mustered up the courage to make an appearance.

It was a friendly gathering of about 30 guys from out of town and nearby, and he ended up having a good time—which, I later found out, took him by surprise.

I take it for granted that community get-togethers with fellow gainers/encouragers are fun, so afterward, I asked him why he was shocked that he had enjoyed himself.

“I was surprised by how nice it was to be around like-minded people,” he said. “There was a small part of my brain that I don’t normally notice that just, sort of, relaxed.”

Someone once asked me what I meant every time I referred to a “gainer community.” I had never really been forced to define it, so I struggled with an answer at the time. But I think my friend hit the nail on the head.

There’s just something about being around guys who get all this—and realizing that you’re part of something that is greater than the sum of its parts—that makes all this crazy shit just feel… right.

COMMUNITY SHMOMMUNITY

I’ve thrown around the world “community” a lot on this blog without giving much thought to what that means to people. The truth is, the very idea of a gainer/encourager community can be pretty elusive.

After all, what kind of community exists almost entirely on the internet, with only periodic meetings of, say, 1 percent of its members?

Ours is a community that defies geography, culture and language—aside from picking up survival phrases like “Ich liebe fette bauche,” my German remains pretty poor.

So what kind of model is this disjointed, incohesive, dispersed mix of men for a real community?

Well fortunately, we’ve already got a model for such a thing: the gay community.

Despite our vast differences, gainers/encouragers are all still connected some level—connected by desire; by our collective coming-of-age experience; by our “outsider” status. It’s an connection not unlike that in the gay community. It’s hard to quantify, but any of you who’ve been to Expansion or come out to a gainer bar night or luncheon somewhere have probably experienced it.

This isn’t to say that you must be surrounded by lots of gainers/encouragers to feel part of the community, but there’s something about being in a group of like-minded guys that just puts you at ease. To be able to say whatever’s on your mind and know not only that you won’t be judged, but that you’ll find affirmation and support from your peers.

It’s a pretty spectacular feeling.

But there’s also another side to the coin.

While I was thrilled that my newbie friend decided to make an appearance at the bar night, I also knew plenty of others who couldn’t muster the courage to come. A few suddenly got very Catholic. Some had last-minute emergencies. Some just didn’t show.

The truth is that like anything in life, the idea of the gainer community is a little bit yin, a little bit yang. At the same time that it is empowering, exciting and mentally relaxing, it can also be intimidating and downright scary—especially for those who are new. Again, kind of like the gay community.

I still remember my first brush with the real-world gay community. I was probably 15 and my parents let me take the bus into San Francisco to visit the main library there for a school project. I took the MUNI Metro past the station for the library, intentionally missing my stop so that I could ride through the Castro street station (which is underneath the main gayborhood in SF).

I didn’t dare get off the train, or look around too eagerly. That would have been too real for me. So I just rode through, got off at the next stop and turned around and came back for a second look.

It would be two more years before I came out and actually decided to embrace my sexuality, my identity and my community.

All of that is to say that the very idea of a gay community was something I couldn’t fathom being a part of at the time. Getting off the train and being in that kind of gay space was a bigger step than I was willing to take.

Obviously things changed over time, and that same kind of growth and acceptance happens in the gainer community as well.

I think some of the guys who didn’t show last weekend just weren’t ready to get off the train.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE

Fifty years ago it would have been laughable to describe the hodge-podge of gay men who were sprinkled throughout the cities of the world—seeking out camaraderie and pleasure in parks and dimly lit bars—a community.

But something transformational happened as gay men and lesbians began to become self-aware, to understand their desires, and seek out deeper relationships with their kind. Somewhere along the way, being gay went from everyone’s dirty little secret, to something they could embrace. Even be proud of.

Say what you will about the concept of “gay pride,” but the very idea sprouted from a rejection of the shame that came from being closeted, from resenting your desires and fighting to keep them at the back of your mind. The movement helped shape the more accepting communities that we live in today.

When I see the kind of changes that have happened in the gainer/encourager community—the sheer increase in the number of guys with profiles online, the prevalence of gainers and encouragers in relationships with each other, the emergence of groups of friends all over—I can’t help but see some parallels to those early days of the gay community.

Certainly ours is smaller and more focused (both of which, I consider to be good things). And I don’t mean to say that being a gainer/encourager is the same thing as identifying as gay.

But the parallels between the changes in both communities give me hope.

Today, we live in a country where vastly more men are OK with the idea of being out about being gay than even one generation ago. I can only imagine what the next few decades will spell out for the gainer/encourager community.

That excitement was underscored by something my newbie friend (who is the gainer equivalent of being deeply closeted) said after the bar night. He said that he had something of an “a-ha” moment from being immersed in a big group of like-minded guys for the first time.

“It made the whole thing real. It was just like ohhh these guys are people—that just so happen to think something specific is sexy, that I find sexy,” he said. “Before, I saw people into this as sort of hook ups. But now, the idea of a gainer boyfriend sounds more appealing. It makes me want to take all this more seriously.”

And that gives me hope.

Carpe Crustum

A recent article in the New York Times grabbed my attention, about a study on why and how we procrastinate pleasure.

In a nutshell, researchers found that humans are hard-wired to put off until later many things that we find pleasurable, if we’re not given an immediate deadline.

The primary reason is a certain cognitive dissonance—evidently, we seem to commonly believe that there’s no time for these things right now, but later there will be.

The idea of carpe diem—seize the day—turns out to be something we need to be reminded of.

Gift certificate and airline frequent flier miles programs depend on this habit: They know that people are likely to put off cashing in their rewards, and the more time they have, the more likely they are to never redeem them.

It’s a strange kind of discovery. We tend to think of people as reasonably rational, self-interested beings. Sure we might put off something that’s overly dull or painful, but you’d think that if we had something free or fun owed to us, we’d take advantage of it post haste.

But we don’t.


POSTPONING PLEASURE

The article was written during the holidays and so it’s heavily focused on material examples, like gift certificates. But the findings provide a lot of insight for other areas of our lives.

There are certainly any number of good reasons to not gain right now. Maybe you really can’t afford the extra food or larger wardrobe. Maybe you have a career that depends on you staying thin. Maybe you have the fastest freakin’ metabolism ever.

And there’s plenty of reasons not to travel somewhere to meet up, face-to-face with that longtime friend from the community. Maybe money is tight. Maybe your car needs work. Maybe you kinda-sorta stretched the truth and told him you were 100 pounds bigger—and sent morphed photos.

But there is a fine line between prudence and your brain tricking you into good old fashioned procrastination.

As the article says: “We're trying to do a cost-benefit analysis of the time lost versus the pleasure or money to be gained, but we're not accurate in our estimates of ‘resource slack’… When people were asked to anticipate how much extra money and time they would have in the future, they realistically assumed that money would be tight, but they expected free time to magically materialize.”

If this research can teach us anything, it’s that you can always justify having more time or energy or freedom later. But when later comes, your brain is capable of re-setting to a new future goal that will never be, without you even being conscious of it.

So “I’ll wait til my late 20s to gain,” becomes “my 30s will be better,” and ultimately “I should really wait until I start receiving Medicare benefits.”

And “I’ll visit you this June,” evolves into “See ya in August,” and finishes up with “How’s your 2014 lookin?”

For some people, waiting til their 40s to gain is the right call. And some really are just too busy to make that trip now, but will be freer at a later date.

But it’s worth questioning that kind of decision and being aware of whether it’s truly a sensible call or your brain is just engaging you in an endless exercise in procrastination, because it hasn’t been given an immediate deadline to work with.

Your brain is, after all, hardwired to do just that.


AIM BIG, MISS BIG

There is a second major takeaway from the article.

“People can become overly focused on an ideal,” says the creator of the study, Dr. Suzanne Shu. “Even if they know it's unlikely, they get so focused on the perfect scenario that they block everything else. Or they anticipate that they'll kick themselves later if they take second-best option and then see the best one is still available. But they don't realize that regret can go the other way. They'll end up with something worse and regret not taking the second-best one.”

The implications for our ilk is clear: If you hold out for really big, you might miss out on getting even a little bit bigger.

Plenty of guys have a big goal (sometimes upward of 350 or 400), but don’t want to start gaining just yet, because they aren’t ready to realize that goal so soon. According to Dr. Shu (well not literally, cause obviously she doesn’t know about us and our twisted ways, but if she did, I’m sure she’d agree), by putting off a smaller goal—say 200 or 250—those guys risk never getting big at all.

Oftentimes, our brain needs near-term deadlines in order to prioritize something. By setting smaller intermediate goals, you have a better shot at getting at least a little bigger than if you keep waiting for the right moment to go straight for 400 (or whatever your ultimate goal is).

Evidently, a little compromise in the short-term can be a good thing. Holding out for the ideal in the long-term could leave you with nothing.

So what are you waiting for? Carpe crustum: Seize the cake.

The Fed Poets Society

I figured after two weeks of rather heavy subject matter (pardon the pun), it was time for something a bit… lighter (argh, it’s a pun minefield!) And so I give you gainer/encourager haikus.

The way I see it, Haikus are like the original Twitter. It’s a form of expression that forces the writer to quit being so overly-verbose, and cut an idea down to a (preferably beautiful) 17-syllable thought. It’s also a wonderful format for humor.

I’ve posted a few of mine here, but I welcome y’all to post your own in the comments section. Be uplifting, cynical, funny, sad, silly—whatever you please (just keep it civil). Typical haikus use a 5-7-5 syllable breakdown, but plenty of people break that rule, so feel free to be creative.


Age ten, in my room,
Watching sumo and padding,
This is normal, right?

The sexy fat man,
His belly’s divine, but he
Orders Diet Coke.

Dear airline coach seats,
You are too small for my butt.
Please eat more. Love, Jed.

Beefyfrat dot com,
Hot guys you have so many,
Why will you not load?

Bellybuilders thread,
Smart discussion is so cool,
Wait. It fell apart.

Eat more food he says,
And so I eat til it hurts,
Then barf on his shoes.

NBC you suck
For making Biggest Loser,
Thanks for 30 Rock.

Overzealous guy,
Please don’t IM me so much,
My belly’s still fine.

Old Bellybuilders,

Updates were like Christmas morn’,
But with more boners.

This guy's profile says:
“Partnered - We’re MONOGAMOUS!”
So why the dick pics?

The first time I saw,
That scene from the Santa Clause,
I knew God loved me.

Place the camera low,
Arch your back and puff out big,
Fake it til you make it.

And (thanks to a recommendation by a friend) I condensed my second blog post into a single haiku, so here we have a 17-syllable version of “When Is a Gainer Not a Gainer?”:

It’s all in your head,
Gain or lose you are still you,
You kinky bastard.

The Power Dichotomy

I’ve had a few people ask me to write about why we’re into this kink on the blog.

I’ve resisted exploring the “why” partly because I don’t think it’s an important question (and partly because I have no freakin idea). The main reason we—as human beings—want to know the root cause of something is so that we can fix it, but nothing here needs to be fixed.

There is nothing to be gained from knowing why we have this kink—whether it was because the doctor who delivered you was eating a doughnut or just a complete misreading of Willie Wonka as a child doesn’t really matter.

Perhaps its better we have some mystery about why we’re into gaining, encouraging and bellies.

But there is an intriguing theory that closely relates to the “why”: Despite a wide range of tastes and desires within our community, underlying all of our interests in gaining and encouraging is a single concept, lurking in our subconscious.

That concept is power (and hamburgers… OK, so there are two concepts).

The intimate link between power and sexuality is not unique to gainers and encouragers, but it’s interesting for us to think about nonetheless.

What is perhaps most intriguing to me is the idea of a dichotomy of power: How the desire for power and the desire for vulnerability both seem to co-exist, quite peacefully, within our little community. Even more fascinating is how they appear to co-exist, oftentimes, within a single person.

THE POWER/VULNERABILITY THEORY

It may not be conscious, but it seems like all of us are drawn to gaining, encouraging and belly loving because of power.

But there are two sides to that coin.

The first is the expression of raw power: This is masculinity at its most extreme. This is the side that might revel in the large man with the greedy appetite; the guy who takes what he wants; the guy who grows his belly and his status at the same time. Guys who prefer this side of the coin may enjoy the idea of a man who is not only in control of himself, but possibly even the people around him. Perhaps people step out of his way on the street and smaller guys feel intimidated by his size and strength.

On the other side of the coin we have a lack of power—otherwise known as vulnerability. Here we also have growth and size too, but a completely opposing underlying idea. This side might revel in the guy who is force-fed; the guy who is fattened by someone else; the guy who is completely out of control and can’t stop eating. This side of the coin might prefer the idea of a guy becoming immobile or even get off on him becoming less healthy and functional.

(These examples are meant to give context and in no way are intended to be an exhaustive list of the kinds of things people might like that fall into these two buckets).

Power and vulnerability sure sound like two totally opposing ideas, and yet, somehow, they seem to exist, side-by-side, in relative harmony in our community.

I think part of that is because while the underlying motivation is so different, the external process is the same. We can talk about the same kinds of things—eating, growing and loving big bellies—while being motivated by two different ideas. We can look at the same picture and admire it just the same—but imagine two completely different paths and reasons for getting there.

Gaining is, after all, an idea (or perhaps, two ideas).

And yet it’s not just within the community that these two opposing connotations of power exist. While it seems like most in this community would have a preference for one side of the power coin or the other, it also appears that both ideas could co-exist in many of us.

Which can be confusing to say the least.

For me, I feel like the powerful side of the coin is a bigger part of my sexuality, and yet there’s still a part of me that is allured by the vulnerability piece. A number of my friends have indicated similar “bi-curious” tendencies in this department.


FINDING BALANCE

I remember the first time I came across this blog by a guy who was renouncing gaining (http://fantasyaddicts.onlineaddicts.org/). At first I thought it was silly and melodramatic—I mean, an anti-gainer twelve-step program? Isn’t that just Jenny Craig?—but as I read what he wrote, I came to realize that he was truly conflicted.

I’d always thought of gaining as an empowering thing. To me it was an expression of control over our bodies, of asserting our desires and of becoming the kind of men we’d always admired. But I’d never thought of it as something that could be altogether different. I hadn’t consciously thought about the other side of that power coin.

For this guy, it appeared to me, gaining was that vulnerable side of the coin in its most extreme form. For him, to be a gainer was to be completely out of control, to be powerless to his “addiction,” which is, presumably, to grow incredibly fat. There could be no assertive middle ground for him, specifically because his attraction was so strong and so extreme.

It’s truly unfortunate that his extreme desires would cause him enough anguish that he would want to abandon them cold turkey (he appears to have relapsed several times, indicating that he may never truly be able to kick them entirely).

It’s an extreme response, but chances are, if he’s feeling that way, others might have similar thoughts.

It seems like those of us who favor the assertive, powerful side of the coin are in a slightly easier position than those who favor vulnerability. Men are expected to be masculine and powerful in our society. Social norms tell us we should take control of our lives and be stewards of our own fates. And it’s in our human nature to not want to relinquish control completely.

And yet for so many of us, relinquishing that control is exciting. It can be the reason we’re drawn to gaining. It can simultaneously turn us on and terrify us at the same time.

Walking that fine line can be difficult. And for those who find it most vexing (such as our blogger friend), it can be reason enough to try to leave it behind. But it shouldn’t have to be.

For those who find themselves on that line, it’s important to think about the motivations behind your desires. There’s no one right way to be a gainer and so it’s important that you be both true to your desires (which may be, say, to become immobile) and true to yourself (which may mean needing to remain mobile) at the same time.

Obviously this kind of thing requires careful thought and an appropriate dose of compromise. But it should never be cause for total abandonment of this interest that also brings us joy and satisfaction.

Understanding that which motivates us and meditating on our conflicting desires can help us to understand who we are as people and lead to making better decisions about whether to gain, maintain or lose.