Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Gainer Sex*

(*But Were Afraid to Ask)

Gainers don’t like to talk about sex.

I’m not sure what it is, but when you look on the forums on bellybuilders or dissect the conversations at Expansion or at any gainer bar night or luncheon, sex is a topic rarely touched on.

I can’t quite say why this is.

I mean, we’re all sexual beings—and we are connected by something that is sexual at its core. And yet sexual tastes tend to go undiscussed among gainer/encourager friends.

That gap became even more clear to me a few weeks back, when I was chatting with a longtime gainer friend who confided in me that his sexuality wasn’t quite like mine.

I was intrigued, so I asked him to elaborate.

“I just don’t like typical sex,” he said. “Anal and oral sex don’t do anything for me.”

His comment took me by surprise.

I had come to accept that most guys who share this interest aren’t all that into “normative” sex. It’s certainly never been terribly central to my desires. So for the first time in our friendship, we talked about sex, sexuality and kink.

But that conversation got me thinking—how much do we collectively know about our community’s sexual tastes? How prevalent is normative, anal sex among gainers and encouragers? Is it weird to be a gainer/encourager and not be into f*cking?

BUT… SEX?

My own personal experience has always led me to believe that we gainers and encouragers are wired a little differently than our bear, chub or twink counterparts.

When I chat with guys from bear sites or other non-gainer sites, the conversation quickly navigates to a few key questions: “Are you a top or a bottom?” “How big is your dick?” “Wanna know how big mine is?”

But when I chat with guys from the gainer sites, the questions usually go something more like: “How big is your belly?” “Do you plan on getting bigger?” “How much weight would look hot on me?”

Cross-referencing that with my own personal preferences, I’d always assumed that gainers were just less into normative anal sex than other gay guys.

But I figured it would be worth further exploration.

So again I turned to Bellybuilders to poll the community and find out if my soft observations would be backed up by hard data (I know this is very un-scientific, but it’s the closest we have to actual polling). With more than 200 responses, the community appeared to be split right down the middle.

Forty percent said they either liked, loved or were obsessed with anal sex.

Forty percent said they didn’t care for, disliked or hated it.

Twenty percent were indifferent.

So what does all that mean? Well primarily, it tells us that when it comes to anal sex, gainers and encouragers feel pretty “meh.”

Certainly there are those who love it (about 14 percent said that anal sex turned them on most or all of the time). And only one in 10 were in the same boat as my friend—absolutely hating even the idea of it.

But overall, 60 percent of the respondents felt anal sex was either OK, not so great, or just plain terrible. That means almost 2/3 of all gainers are at best apathetic about, if not outright turned off by, anal sex.

There are certainly plenty of non-gainer gay men who also don’t care for anal sex, but it’s the sheer imbalance of these numbers in our community that make them so profound.

And yet that imbalance makes sense. If all we wanted was typical anal sex with heavier guys, we’d be chubs and chasers. But we want something different.

For some of us that can be as simple and gratifying as a belly rub. For others it may need to involve role play about gaining weight or actually packing on a few (or a lot). Still others may be turned on by bringing food and feeding into the equation, or liquids to bloat.

Many of our fantasies can play out in real life without the need for anal sex. It doesn’t mean we don’t do it (and there’s certainly a solid portion of our community that does enjoy it); it just means that many of us can have gratifying sex lives without engaging in anal sex.

THE ANAL SEX DEFICIT

So why does any of this matter?

It matters because as gay men, we’re told by society (and other gay men) that we should like anal sex. It’s certainly true that anal sex can be a deeply intimate and satisfying experience, but we live in a world where many have come to consider it the only “real” sex we can have.

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably come to the realization on some level that society telling us what to like and not like is utter crap.

And yet having desires that stray so far from the mainstream can feel lonely at times. It’s one thing to like heavier dudes or think a belly is sexy. It’s something completely different to feel apathy or distaste for what is considered by many to be the holy grail of male same-sex relations.

It’s certainly something that can throw a major wrench into dating civilians, who are more likely to want regular anal sex to feel physically satisfied. If your partner wants to f*ck more often and you don’t, that can be a problem.

Of my gainer friends who’ve encountered this anal sex deficit in their civilian relationships, most have opted to become open in order to help their partners find the kind of sex they want. Several have ended their relationships in part because they felt they couldn’t satisfy their partner’s needs. Some have managed to find a happy compromise for both parties.

If you’re going to date a civilian (or even another gainer/encourager for that matter), it’s important to discuss your sexual tastes with them. Just saying that you like bellies or enjoy the idea of guys getting fatter isn’t enough.

We need to communicate what we actually like—and don’t like—between the sheets.

Be honest and forthright at the outset: There’s a good chance they’ll feel the same as you, and if they don’t, you’ll need to communicate that and find solutions.

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that what makes us different doesn’t need to make us feel lonely.

For those who feel indifference or even distaste for anal sex, the message is clear: You’re not alone, not by a long shot. And for those who like it or love it: Ditto for you.

The important thing is to have fun and be safe.

As Woody Allen says: “Sex between two people is a beautiful thing… Between five is fantastic!”